L O V E
by Batya000
Summary: ...Rate T OCxOC
1. Chapter 1

**AN/** This is not corrected, there is no grammar check, I apologize for it, I had another Writers block :/ But fear not I have a couple of other fics in progress :D Also, I will warn you this is slow paced because these are new guys, I want them to have a decent first story lol so don't try to read-rush this introduction, pay attention to message's time, (I LOVE TO WRITE MESSAGES LMAO) it says much about the characters in them. I want you to pay attention to his words, yessss he is kinda smart. Also don't worry this is not a dark-fic, this will be very light and I intent it to be sweet. I would tell more but I won't spoil it.

.

Enjoy.

 **OOOO**

 **.**

 **L O V E**

 **Backseat Symphonies**

 **Jazz' POV**

.

In an excerpt from Plato's _Symposium_ , Aristophanes recounts the origins of love. According to _his_ Greek mythology, humans were once four-legged, four-armed, and double-sexed. Fearing human beings were becoming too powerful, the deity Zeus sliced them in half, leaving their heads facing inward so they could eternally measure their bodies' absences. They were thus doomed to feel incomplete until they found their other halves. And when they did, they would throw their arms around each other and weave their flesh in an attempt to become one again.

In the Bible's _Genesis_ , after creating Adam (the prototype), God realizes that he requires a mate. He rips a rib from Adam's body and begets Eve, a built-in lifelong partner.

Many of the origin stories about the inception of our species establish this blueprint for coexistence – that everybody has an equal and opposite body, a destined companion without which we are incomplete. Our modern construct of romance still upholds this paradigm; romantic love is the paramount prize of existence. But I briefly wondered; what if I can't access that prize?

In response to this construct, I treat lovelessness as a sonic dreamscape. My thoughts seeks to interrogate the idea that romance is normative and _necessary._ These aren't protest thoughts, however, as much as they are _process_ thoughts. It's the processing that lonesomeness might not just be a transitory hallway you're passing through in route to inevitable partnership. It's recognizing statelessness as stasis.

I'm wondering how privileged people can feel love interpersonally but still adhere to systems of social hierarchy that cause them to treat othered groups with loveless indifference. I'm wondering if our urgent fear of dying alone is cellularly inherent or socially inherited. I'm wondering – if God is love, but you don't feel love, are you a godless being?

Is that the reason I feel so distant with the idea of having a God? Is that the reason I am so aloof and emotionally detached from religious figures? My momma once said I would soon get to find my road back to Christ's embrace, that once my hatred _dissipated_ I would see just how foolishly I've lived my youth, whilst I can probably agree with the foolishness, I can definitely argue the idea that there's hatred towards any deity that could uphold my cause.

If all my frankness matters, I feel nothing but the unfathomable nihility and indifference towards these figures, towards these groups and what they promise to bargain. I'd feel alienated to place a single foot inside a church, funnily, my bisexuality is not well conceived, I am not the least bit welcome, I am not forgiven, but I am not sorry. I don't want God, but certainly, their fabricated God doesn't want me either and considering my unresponsiveness and deadness towards its blinding clasp, we can agree that I've grown apart my mother's expectation.

One cannot be angry at something that certainly isn't there. That is the sole reason I don't feel anger nor resentment at these chanting groups that ban the likes of me, I don't believe there is anyone above me, but I don't believe I am above anyone.

I sigh and close the book I couldn't concentrate enough to read, I was supposed to read Davies, A. and Lahiri, K. instead I am thinking about _Lovelessness, God, intolerance,_ lurking inside my skull isn't always the best idea.

O

 **Lena:**

[blues you should come home earlier today, mommy's angry.]

Oct 22 10:26 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:27 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[What she saying..?]

Oct 22 10:27 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:28 pm_

 **Lena:**

[usual… just be smart please and stop causing trouble, y'know what she means]

Oct 22 10:28 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:28 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[Lena im in a library]

Oct 22 10:28 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:29 pm_

 **Lena:**

[jazz, be smart for once]

Oct 22 10:32 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:32 pm_

 **Lena:**

[library yeah right ill tell her that, let see if she belives u]

Oct 22 10:32 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:32 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[oh right I lied, im actually having a wild orgy and this time guess what? I invited more males than females and they are all trying to fit their cocks inside me, im actually drooling]

Oct 22 10:32pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:39 pm_

 **Lena:**

[could you please behave? Im telling momma you said that]

Oct 22 10:39 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:39 pm_

 **Lena:**

[you are disgusting.]

Oct 22 10:39 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:39 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[yay! Im happy we agree in something, because shit is getting good here]

Oct 22 10:39 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:42 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[by good i mean disgusting, girls are also fucking me]

Oct 22 10:39 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:42 pm_

 **Lena:**

[… k]

Oct 22 10:45 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:45 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[Come on Lena im freaking reading! Jesus can't you do me a favor for once? I need to read here its quiet, mom's always yelling and I need to get all this information through my skull]

Oct 22 10:46 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:49 pm_

 **Lena:**

[…. Whatever you say, what time u arrive?]

Oct 22 10:49 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:49 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[what time you think you can have her controlled?]

Oct 22 10:49 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:50 pm_

 **Lena:**

[I wouldn't say I can for more than one hour, be smart and come sooner]

Oct 22 10:50 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:50 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[one hour… jeeeezzz shit, I was thinking maybe I could go home by 3?]

Oct 22 10:50 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:53 pm_

 **Lena:**

[Good luck then]

Oct 22 10:53 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:53 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[Lena pls]

Oct 22 10:53 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:57 pm_

 **Lena:**

[i wishing u luck I mean if she believs u are studying until 3 then good for you, don't make me part of your nasty schemes, I can help u once and I will, I will just tell her what u said and lets see how it goes for you.]

Oct 22 10:57 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 10:57 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[thank you little sister, I will spend the rest of my life being grateful that you helped me get my degree done with my not so average-grades,IN FACT! I will dedicate YOU my degree, also I will ask my future 8 sugar daddies to thank your sisterhood as well as my future 7 pregnant bitches. Ily]

Oct 22 10:57 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:13 pm_

 **Lena:**

[sure, but mom is LIVID rn]

Oct 22 11:14 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:14 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[omg tell her ill be home in less than half an hour please. I am saving my stuff in my backpack please ask her to hold on]

Oct 22 11:14 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:23 pm_

 **Lena:**

[we have a smart one here, ok ill tell her that]

Oct 22 11:23 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:23 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[thanks lena]

Oct 22 11:23 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:27 pm_

 **Lena:**

[u r welcome]

Oct 22 11:27 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:27 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[going home, u want me to send u a photo? Im on my way]

Oct 22 11:39 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:42 pm_

 **Lena:**

[u taking too long u sure u on your way? she has lost control]

Oct 22 11:42 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:42 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[damn what did you tell her? I can send a photo]

Oct 22 11:42 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:44 pm_

 **Lena:**

[it doesn't matter, cover u face when u enter she is throwing dishes]

Oct 22 11:44 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:44 pm_

 **Yassy:**

[…kay thanks]

Oct 22 11:45 pm Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 22 11:49 pm_

Now looking at the shattered relationship I have with my family, I can admit I've never felt any sort of genuine affection, I may get to easily forgive their harmful, abusive behavior towards me, in the majority of cases, without being asked to forgive them. I often feel trapped inside the toxicity of each of their walls, I regularly feel like I have no options left but relent against them. It's not that I love them just as much, it's that I've surrendered.

I learned about their outlook by each time I've seen them act against what they think it's fair regarding myself, the opportunity of being up close with me gave them the empowerment and excuse to say and do whatever their opinionated personas could come up with, for me our bloodline is their cheap pretext. Since having detached my hinges from them, I've all but become even more dissociated from the world that hasn't know my name. I can't trust them, I can't forgive them.

 **Lena:**

[Blueeees can you PLEASEEEE HELP ME?]

Oct 23 9:16 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:18 am_

 **Yassy:**

[What is it?]

Oct 23 9:18 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:18 am_

 **Lena:**

[I want to go out with Mikado today, I told mom I would go to Nanami's house to do my math homework there, I want to go to the movie theater instead]

Oct 23 9:18 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:19 am_

 **Yassy:**

[Who's Mikado? You say you will not be at this girl's house to go with this Mikado?]

Oct 23 9:19 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:19 am_

 **Lena:**

[He is my boyfriend, Kishitani Mikado, my new boyfriend actually]

Oct 23 9:19 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:19 am_

 **Yassy:**

[oh congrats :) you didn't tell me about him]

Oct 23 9:20 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:20 am_

 **Lena:**

[no thanks lol you would try to fuck him,]

Oct 23 9:20 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:20 am_

 **Yassy:**

[….ouch?]

Oct 23 9:22 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:22 am_

 **Lena:**

[blame me? You are a whore lol]

Oct 23 9:22 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:22 am_

 **Yassy:**

[what can I help you with?]

Oct 23 9:25 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:25 am_

 **Lena:**

[first tell mom you will be taking me to Nanami's house, I will be going with him, second BLUESSSS HELP ME WITH MY MATH HW PLEASEEEEE, I will leave my notebook in your night desk? I need it for tomorrow please]

Oct 23 9:25 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:25 am_

 **Yassy:**

[what if mom finds out? you know if she calls nanami's mom you are dead, and im doubly dead because that's how its mom]

Oct 23 9:25 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:25 am_

 **Lena:**

[nah I don't think so, I think this is my luky day! Please? You help your lil sister?]

Oct 23 9:26 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:26 am_

 **Yassy:**

[why don't you do your math homework first and then go out? You need to be more responsible with your studies.]

Oct 23 9:26 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:26 am_

 **Lena:**

[Blues please I want to go out with him]

Oct 23 9:27 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:27 am_

 **Yassy:**

[…sure I'll help you but you need to promise you'll be more responsible next time]

Oct 23 9:27 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:27 am_

 **Lena:**

[THANKS I LOVE YOU, best big brother see you later!]

Oct 23 9:27 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:27 am_

 **Yassy:**

[ okay :) ]

Oct 23 9:27 am Sent from Messenger

 _Read Oct 23 9:49 am_

 _._

I am not in the least surprised I grew up scorning up the idea of ever laying vulnerable in front of the eyes of a stranger, and not so startlingly, my family circle were nothing but two strangers with the right to manipulate, test and mistreat my patience, my forbearance for them and my overall leniency to keep my stability unharmed.

It's fair to say I'm unrepentant of the many walls I've built around myself, if there's something I've learned is that I'll be the only one who will genuinely care for me, I've dealt with the bitterness and resentment that failed expectations brings.

I expected my mother to care I was being sexually abused at a tender age and I expected my father to notice his son was being violated to an overwhelming degree, I expected those near my bruised body to ask why were my eyes so filled with fear, why did my voice tremble the way it did, why couldn't I sleep, why did I stop eating? Why did I become so hostile to everything that was bright?

I surely didn't expect my mother to be ashamed of me, I didn't expect her to use it against me, I didn't expect her to keep an active cycle of verbal abuse using that experience as her strongest weapon against me. I didn't expect her to tell my sister a distorted version of it, and lastly, I did not expect my sister to believe her.

I spent years wondering if it really was my fault, I spent far too long revolted by my own body and the normal urges adolescence brings to it, I spent too much time abhorring my youth and the powerlessness that it carries, but now I can't help but bless it, hadn't it being for the youth I had, I wouldn't have been as curious, I remember I was 13 and a solitary library rat, I was about to pick a _**Ra**_ belais François' book when my eyes got caught on a certain subject, alphabet-wise.

It did trigger me, but I had to pick that one up. I was indeed, _curious_.

 _Information is everything._

My future isn't my past, my body could regenerate the wounds that were inflicted upon it and I congratulated it for it. I did not forgive, but I unquestionably, let it go.

I am not the shadow of it, I am not the product of it, I am not his victim, I am not my family's victim, I decided not to be my very own victim.

O

Remarkably, the sole idea of loving someone doesn't make any sense to me. Why would I let my guard down and hand someone the pistol to shoot me when I turn back? The whole proposal of jealousy, making love and heartbreaks make me feel uncomfortable, what does people want from other people? Sex, you can have that without inhering in problematic astral ties. It's actually easy and morning loneliness isn't that bad, now is it?

 **Dakota:**

[Why don't you answer my calls? Jazz, I'm getting tired of these games you know I love you why do you hurt me like this.]

 **Yassy:**

[I didn't mean to, I was clear with you from the beginning, why are you doing this to yourself is the real question.]

 **Dakota:**

[What do we do now because I love you and this is painful, you can't be that cruel]

 **Yassy:**

[What are YOU going to do, don't ask of me something I never offered, something I never asked of you. Don't say such things, I was with you only once.]

 **Dakota:**

[That is so heartless of you, I wish I didn't love you]

 **Yassy:**

[Grow up]

For me the whole spectrum of Love is just one thing, _Childish._

I am not remotely sorry, cuss my loftier acumen and the figurative desire to stay off, but I am me, I am Jazz, I'm a self-reliant man, I am buoyant and hasty, I'm no victim and _I am no victimizer_ , I do what I want when I want to, I am free to touch and be touched and It's not like I have kept my heart closed, I have come to the inference that I might not have one, at least the cartoonish version of it.

What can I offer to people? Nothing but a warm body.

 _Don't Touch Me; Please Touch Me; Sure, Let's Touch Each Other but Please Leave Right After We Cum; It's Not You, It's Me; It's Not You – Actually, It's Not Anyone; It's Not Me, It's My Childhood._

Am I unhappy because of that? No, I am not. I am upset at the ones who can't understand it, I am even angrier at those who claim to understand it but in the end, they never do.

Then I come to wonder if I am some kind of aromantic specimen of any sorts. I've interrogated the idea of love being the Human's ultimate trajectory goal, but why doesn't it's castigating oblivion saddens me? Why don't I suffer without it? Is it something I should worry about? Is it something I should be proud of? I'm convinced I am not unfortunate, reasons for why, up until these days, I still find myself unwilling to change it.

But most accurately, _unable._

The not-yet-dictionary definition of an "aromantic" is someone who doesn't experience romantic love, or does to a diminished, abnormal degree. I'm just trying to get it out from over the squiggly red line.

I should be heading back home, it is raining and I left my bedroom's window open, what am I even thinking? I don't think I've got time for these thoughts right now.

O

Society's double standard is simply annoying.

Whilst it's true that the closer I've let someone be of me is for casual sex I am by no means, promiscuous. I snicker to that credence, contrary to popular belief I am very studious, reserved, uptight with distance and have interests I ambition to fulfill, certainly there are many things I envisage more than a one night stand; sex is for when I am in due course and very ultimately bored… or drunk.

Truth is, people see me as some kind of degenerated predator for all my mouth have sputtered, it doesn't bother me in the least, but amusingly, I'm just a 19 year old man with normal sexual urges, I am no addict, but to a guy like me who doesn't pursuit emotional charges and has his day consumed by higher-than-average grades I think it's just fair to seek for some kind of relaxation once in a while, and that's if I can't find a good book to eat up for the night.

Yes, I do drink a lot, I do enjoy sex, -I mean, who doesn't? But I am usually stunned at my own skills to speak and broaden my reputation to an extent where they just _can't_ ask. It really does amaze me. I am smug, if you see me starring, you might say I'm arrogant, conceited and haughty. To others I am perhaps, harmlessly humorous and downright comical, I laugh out loud and I'm honest, sincere and I can be your friend, I never do anything to please nobody but myself. I'm fearlessly witty and use sarcasm as my fiercest edge. Yes, my humor is dark, openly morbid, downright nihilistic. My educators never liked that, they implied I behaved like a snobbish smart-ass with no respect whatsoever for other's feelings.

Truthfully, it's none of that, I'm just being me.

This overall behavior doesn't match my tamest side now does it?

Why I'm thrilled by society's capricious standards, I am far, _far_ from being stupid. I won't argue against their misconceptions though, people never get to really know me and I sincerely can't blame them, for all they know I am closer to a party-waste rather than the library rat I consider myself to be, but once again, I am not remotely sorry.

After all, to what guy that happens to be a problem? Yes, sexism does that.

"No, she is not worth it."

I snorted, astonished "Why not."

Ryu moved his head, "Ah, you know, she is a slut. A well-known slut."

My eyebrow lifted, how can he weight his best friend's worth over her sexual openness? I was dumbfounded and a little bit vexed "Does she know you express yourself like that? About her? Secondly, are you worthier than her, why?"

"I'm a boyfriend material, I've proven myself that." He nodded and smiled proudly, as if that retained his perpetual bad breath.

"How so?" My eyes scrutinized his poor physics and I couldn't contain the uncouth leer, his reasons were giving me a headache "I don't see it."

"I was with The Ariasu for far more than you imagine," The disrespect he channeled, did he just referr to his Ex as 'the' before her name? I scoffed again and granted him the minute to finish, he nodded "well you wouldn't know you are also a whore."

"Oh I am?" I chuckled, diverted, "That is new for men my age."

He moved his head in rapid remorse, "I'm sorry, I mean in a way" He nodded apologetically, the drastic change weirded me enough to rewind his words inside my head, I was still smiling "We are all sluts, like yes you are right, men can't be sluts-"

"Aye, call me that if you want." My smirk broadened, "I like how it sounds but aren't you overestimating your own worth, if I can be a whore, if Nobu can be a whore regardless our gender then what does that make you?" I closed my eyes permissively, I placed my hand on my right hip and paused "You know," I mimicked a secret-gesture over my mouth, "As the likes of casual sex participants."

"…"

I shrugged, awaiting "Where does that leave you Ryu?" The challenging tone thickened the air, "Where does it put Nobu then?"

"…"

"Come on, I didn't even say anything complex. Keep on babbling."

"…I mean…"

"I'm pretty sure not all of your, -let me add-disgusting sexual encounters have had emotional attachment to them now have they?"

"No…?"

"Yes, you are just ideal to judge the very core of people's existence, you know I'm speaking about worth, since casualness takes off a great deal of worthiness according to your Neanderthal cranium" I sighed seemingly pleased, "Tell me, of how much is your own worth, if you have had casualness and still have value, how much are you worth now?"

"Why does it matter I am a guy."

I sighed and let my fangs show-off menacingly as I sneered, "No, you are a _pig_ , an overhyped uneducated lad who doesn't deserve anyone's company but your own manure, now excuse me to leave, I can't just speak with the likes of you any longer. You can't speak of women like that, especially when they are being courageous by even looking at your dirty, putrid ass."

"…Wait I did-"

"Yes, now that I'll leave, I recommend you to go fetch shit with those who want to breathe your pestilent odor. I'm off and just if you ask me, you are not even worth a single spit."

No, I didn't get upset. No, he didn't offend _me_ and no, I didn't feel insulted by his words, I know they didn't come from a foul-intentioned corner but the whole ordeal still amazes me, especially because this judgmental behavior comes almost always from graceless, ignorant, ugly people like him. In my opinion and if I have any given right to say this, Nobu deserves so much better than that piece of shit.

O

"Have you seen Ranma?" Youki chimes in, he breaks my thoughts and I look over at him, we are all sitting on the pebble verge of the neighborhood's fountain, Takeo moves his head _'no sorry,'_ I do the same and I watch his eyebrow twitch, "He doesn't answer my calls…" Youki heaves a sigh and then tries again for yet another call, I rest my gaze on his face, I breathe in, the symmetry of each flawlessness of his features is truly astonishing; I've seen gorgeous women in my life, this neighborhood sure defile many, but never quite as perfect as the intriguing beautifulness this young man so inadvertently possesses.

I'm pretty sure he have heard his attractiveness make people's mouth agape, but I am not sure if he truly comprehends that he is a male and he shouldn't look that sexually appealing to other men. He smiles brightly at having reached Ranma at the other side of the phone and I can't help but admit his grin is a little bit contagious.

"Boy!"

I won't even start with Ranma's own desirability. The guy looks like some kind of dream-like hunk with the adequate description of a leathery-cigar bad boy with an attitude, in short, Ranma is peculiarly attractive, dangerous looking, appealing, certainly interesting.

I always notice how Youki speaks to him, he speaks to Ranma as if it's going to be the last time he hears the sound of his voice, completely enamored by how Ranma reacts to every little compliment, I notice the seductive gazes here and there, the blowing kisses, how he breaks distance boundaries to smash their mouths together and how they look at each other in unique and everlasting fire. They protect each other and often get jealous of sharing each other's attention, complicity, I see a strong union of solidified friendship and long-lasting companionship.

It's truly a refreshing thing to see. Even to my usually bitter and skeptical self. It's admirable in size, I think we've all seen them mop without the other. I don't recognize each of their good-looks without context, I am surprised that being them as attractive as they are, they don't happen to use that to call anyone else's attention, they don't seem to be attracted by anyone else. And it's way more than simply saying they are satisfied with the person upfront, I think they truly don't have eyes for anyone else. A god could be in front and Youki would still look only at him. I think Ranma's eyes are sealed to see nothing but Youki, eternally tantalized by him and I think that's what captivation should be like, a trait not everyone in a relationship can count with.

When it comes to them, I'm very basic to think. Ranma plus Youki equals happy.

Captivating my attention back, Youki laughs and places his phone inside the overly-sized hoodie that's obviously stolen from Ranma, "He says he is just five minutes away, so let's wait."

I nod and Takeo proceeds to share his blueberry bubblegum with both of us while he tell us the titanic challenge that was going to college without a single cent, he painted us a catastrophic overview of lunchtime without food.

We wait and Ranma finally arrives, it all happens, the smiles, the teases, the jokes, Ranma apparently enjoys bugging Youki's patience, I see Ranma effortlessly lifting Youki from off the ground and I see Youki leering, I hear him praise Ranma's flexed biceps. I look over and shake my head, amused. I think everyone has to have a look at what Youki's gushing for. Ranma groans and blushes, he reaches to have Youki's ear close and mutters something only they can hear.

Does love exist between them? Absolutely.

Does witnessing their vivid passionate romance ignite in me any kind of anticipation for myself? Absolutely _not_. I think it's risky, I think it's dangerous, somehow childish and self-destructive. It could be easier for them, instead they've chosen the hard road, the road where you may lose just everything. But I think that they look at each other and think it is _indeed_ , worth the scald. _It probably is_. But finding that person who's worth the burnt is the actual bereavement.

My walls are too resilient, I am not yet suicidal. Love may exist in an oxygen that can't be breathed by my lungs. I also can't digest it.

Side-mindedly I thought about _'casualty'_ again, the so doomed informal sexual behavior, which for better or for worse is still condemned by society, I let my mind drift in thought and I wonder just how things would be for the rest had Youki been as casual as maybe Nobu; a girl often described as slutty. Would he be disregarded as indecent? I don't know, probably. Though I remain stoic in my thought that being casual can't be as negative for a guy, I am also mindful that Youki does not look like one and thus it would grant him a little bit of female-treatment, means _Yes,_ Youki would be slapped by the god forsaken sexism.

It all comes down to one thought of mine -do people perceive me differently as well?

I am aware I am conveniently handsome but just as definitely, I am self-aware of the femininity of some of my features, being called feminine, delicate, perhaps _androgynous-looking_ isn't my weakest point to say at least, it has never been. I never thought of myself as physically disadvantaged.

My body is thin-framed, yes. My skin is soft, I know. Now there's this, I am not bulky, I am _lightly_ defined, not yet muscular, not close to be, for all the strenuous, arduous training I've underwent I should be a little bit bigger, I know, still… Am I gracelessly thin? Absolutely not. I'm not the manliest looking guy in here, but I am not unhappy with how I look, most certainly because I am a grown-ass man and I think the preteen physical insecurities all faded away with time, at least the majority. That's part of maturing and growing up isn't it?

Undoubtedly I seem to be physically appealing to both sexes, sometimes it gets amusing, I think that regardless my cohesive masculinity, men still regard me as their feminine counterpart if they are ought to approach me. Women think it's sexy, they praise my lips, my hands and they find it a little bit prohibited to lust over me, blurrily perverted enough to seem like an adventurous, sensual endeavor, _'You feel like a girl, this is so hot',_ I'm manly enough to easily trap them regardless.

Not only the people that could have physical interest in me, but society as a whole, even the friends I appreciate may take the wrong route when it comes to their opinions over me. Notwithstanding myself, I find myself sighing at everyone's insight of how a certain gender should behave to keep integrity.

And yes, even when you don't even belong to that gender, even if you can't identify any less with it, if you seem like part of it, even partially, you might be more questioned for your acts than you would have otherwise. Even still, if you aren't directly questioned, people's silent pejorative and self-entitled estimations servers to accuse you with _that kind_ of wronged perception and at the end, it might or might not be detrimental for yourself. The inquire remains inconclusive, but if I'm honest, I don't seem to care for that as well.

Now I wonder what is of importance to me.

Ah yes, as an underestimated bookworm, I enjoy advanced frugality revisions, transitory, ephemeral and philosophy readings, decent conspiracy gossamers that make me question the system I so rigorously and unconsciously follow.

I often find my attention drawn to horror or thriller threads, I particularly enjoy them to a deeper extent if they don't develop around any Christian steadfastness, not to conduct my thoughts onto ableism, but I find more exhilarating to indulge in a fucked-up human's psyche than an old Ouija board that will be evidently exorcised with the help of an 'all-mighty' Lord, a clairvoyant and a blessed cross.

Comically, I read mellow romance novels when it rains and I have time for sweetened coffee or a menthol cigarette, I can admit I root for happy endings and sugarcoated epilogues, I do remind myself that these are _in fact_ , only tales.

My strongest side, the one I so proudly can show off is something far from the rusty smell of bookends, I often remind myself that I _am_ a gunman, a skilled sniper, a trained combatant and if it's necessary, I remind this to those who test me, those who underestimate the strength of my skin, I am _not_ frail, I am _not_ weak and _yes_ , I can be dangerous.

I'm swift at swordsmanship and a vigorous opponent, undeniably, I'm good at fencing too; not the best but let's say I'm agile. Not to forget graceful… I am a gifted ice-skating prodigy after all, but that's a partial secret of mine.

I love Disney movies and I often connect with each character, especially those of yesteryear. I think that's an acquired thoughtfulness peculiarity that many people shove to a side, why can't they appreciate the cinematic masterpiece that is _Pinocchio_? Why I am not kidding… Walt Disney didn't die for this now _did he?_

And Lastly, I am a good kisser.

Ah yes, I am a man of many talents.

O

Now if I ever get to think about _who's_ important to me?

…

Well I have this son of a bitch that's my best friend but yes, it's only that, not a crush, definitely not love… like didn't I just thought about the childlessness and downright _impossibility_ of being in love?

Like what the fuck…

Fuck you Aksel.

OOOO

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OOOO

AN/ :) aww, say hi to Aksel and Jazz lol This was pretty fun to write. I mean it is different, it was refreshing and I KNOW it was a little bit tedious, PLEASE bear with me, I just couldn't write something regarding the pairing (straight to the gayness) because there wasn't any written background nor point of view, nor characterization so I sighed and said JESUS I NEED TO WRITE AN INTRODUCTION TO THEM, so I can be left to write freely about them (gayness), so here is the first part of their story.

This will not be Jazz' centered, next chapter I'll go with Aksel and I'm very hyped I'll get to see through his eyes, you'll see, I intend this to be romance lol

But even I said "aw the last part was sweet" so don't tell me there isn't just a tad bit of mhm… here lol.

Next chapter I'll obviously get to Aksel and Jazz (like if it wasn't obvious enough) And I'm sorry for the slow paced fic, I really needed to leave a background BEFORE writing SLASH :v Also I truly enjoyed roaming through Jazz' mind, it was pretty fun, he sure does have a different point of view than Ranma and Youki (not something negative, just fun)

Also I AM TWO STEPS FROM FINISHING KINTSUJI JSHDEFMES it is a ranmaxyouki fic that I am truly enjoying, so I have to decide if I upload Kintsugi or the next part of this fic :D I want to get to Aksel soon, I don't know if I can though…. Like ….idk how things will turn out? I didn't create him so he'll be a bit of a challenge UGHHH, I hope he stays in-character anyways.

Hope you enjoyed.

Till next time!

Batya000


	2. Chapter 2

**AN/ Warning: DARK THEMES AHEAD,** all the transnational, national, or local groupings mentioned to be part of an **Organized crime** were solely mentioned for sheer entertainment purposes, I have no education whatsoever in what these groups do. They are not real and I have no fundaments to such claims. Enjoy :D

.

Enjoy.

 **OOOO**

 **.**

 **L O V E**

 **Jester**

 **Aksel's POV**

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My eyes darted over him, he was flagrantly vicious with a spiteful cackle, my face remained unmoving, I watched the rest smile and hoot in sheer viciousness, I scoffed a laugh, just to show them their motives entertained me, I am accepted, none of them questioned my age and I let my back relax a little bit. I watched a young man snigger at another filthy witticism one of the elders larked, I shook my head, inhering in a fictional character of a young man that found their detesting laughs to be humorous.

"Gentleman, gentleman," I interrupted, I know this is just another reason why my mother wasn't concerned in having me advocate her interests, "Expressly, Dante Yinova," His eyes landed on me, "Shall I remind you that if the Belgian landfill goes against your enterprises it will only and solely affect 60% of Yinovanis' 2020 incomes, without counting tax proscribed endorsements," Rather, my entire family's interests "If I were you, I wouldn't be as lenient."

She knows I am fearless.

My left eyebrow lifted, cockily "And that 2020's year estimation was assesed with a _very_ positive mind," I sighed looking at the written tables, "Still, I have good news, in representation of the Kles Haler Company, I can assure you we have indeed interests in alliance with you. Rather, an agreement."

The alluded placed his hands together and I noticed how his shoulders tensed, he asked, serious "Where are the indicators?" I nodded at his inquire and handed him a neat placed folder, I continued "Just for collective awareness, we want you all to know that Tax evasion just grant us a little bit over 0.3% from our final impost. Take into account our Ponzi scheme is about to detonate, withdrawals are projected to minimize over 80% to 60% in the first half of the year, the investment is set to increase each year over a 33%"

They gasped, some silently. Some others just nodded, "Without taking into accountability new developments and future projects. If we were to keep our hands in stationary commodity. That yearly 33% is what our future upholds."

I continued, delighted "That means we are not in the fall anywhere near, Mr. Yinova, if my calculations are correct, you have a projected descent for over a 44% and that if the Belgian want to act up late, we estimate a 52% of downfall with crude assessments. Today the Incala trades, with the lady present" I acknowledged a woman's presence with a courteous hand motion, she nodded politely, "We decided to overbear money laundering in 42 new real estates in Osaka."

He nodded, the room submerged in dexterous silence, "You mean without the hedge future trading?"

"Yes, we are not in the least concerned about the infamous Belgian Landfill's parting, though 0.5% will be impacted in the first week, our new trades are set to expand in little less than three days."

He remained silence, I smiled condescendingly, "I wouldn't be giving this information if not for all the respect The Kles Haler company have for each of you, but with all due respect, you are screwed up without us" I leered, the man was baffled "We only ask for 15% of your commissions in entry from today to 2028 and we of course, hand our help if anything goes wrong with the Belgian Landfill. And of course I am speaking about the White House's forgery. We want 500 million in assurance, your buildings in Yokohama are a great place to start."

He scoffed, "For a shitty guarantee? Are we going to be chained to you with the only millionaire income we can be sure of?"

"Isn't that how it's supposed to work? I'm offering something of value and you give us something of value. We send our people and we are risking too much for a crumbling corporation." I blinked slowly, I was having fun, "What did you expect? It's our people blood we are giving off and you? You just have to pay us a humble amount of mone-"

"Humble my ass, that is half of my personal revenue!"

I growled silently, my eyes darkened menacingly "Listen Dante, we _can_ save your sorry ass this time around, but there is a shit tons of things to do in between. Be grateful we are even open for negotiation, without us that million dollar baby you have will soon be a million kills baby with a dead daddy, now be clever and sign up for it." I surely earned their respect, they were all nodding at Dante, he gulped and then he dipped his head thoughtful.

He was handed the papers and with closed penitent eyes, he signed up. "I-Is there any guarantee you can give off to me?"

"Oh?" I asked as I saved the papers he just handed me neatly inside my black attaché.

He cleared his throat, "I mean, is there any warranty that you will be successful with the Belgian Landfill?"

"Oh Dante!" I sounded unapologetically coated in crude _cynicism_ , "Didn't you read the papers? We never offered any warranty if things didn't go as planned? We are anyways going to seize the buildings if you refuse to pay."

He remained deadpanned for the rest of the meeting. I thanked him anyways, as polite as I could and the conversation with the rest kept on thriving, I could sure say this one was easy.

The only woman in the room chimed in again, "The high yield investment programs of the Kles Haler Company and the Incala Trades are set to distribute together throughout the country, we don't want the FBI to uncover the pyramid scheme before 2019, we offer a 4% brute intrinsic value for the Hagari's firm if you want to build that one up for us."

"Agreed" Pipped in the Hagari's house advocate, "But 0.8% after 2019."

I nodded, "Only if you assure a pyramidal veneer for 2018 to 2021." Their advocate moved his head doubtfully.

"Er… well _that's_ risky."

"That's 0.8% of brute worth, terrorism is masking well, but like I explained all of you before, we are betting for a bigger scheme, it's labor racketeering will project a 15% in clean money and 19% in laundering wages. We have our laboratories occupied with the newest pócima. Our traders are ready."

"Alright," He still seemed doubtful but once he heard the last part, he grinned, "Alright agreed."

I handed him the papers, I surely enjoyed playing checkmate with them. Especially when I won.

It wasn't that I was superb in negotiation, I'm not going to say I am not good, certainly _I am_ , but throughout the years I've learned that The Moby corners you to negotiate, concede, threaten and agree. I didn't have the enthusiasm to speak to my mother _every day_ , some days I couldn't say I could keep my families' interest intact. But let's just say this time I did, that should be enough for her.

O

Did it bother me to be their Jester? I just don't know how I missed it for so long; I wasn't the prioritized son I thought I was, crudely I am just a well-trained fool. No, for now I am not concerned in dying, I know too much, I am too useful, I am _still_ too useful to abandon. I'm the Jester of an invincible King, a King that once told me I was a Prince.

…

What a sucker.

" _We were all worried, but you know man, when things go down that path, there is almost nothing we can do"_

I snorted, "At least lie to me and tell me you tried."

I heard him shift awkwardly at the other side of the phone, _"I'm sorry man, you know how this shit is,"_ He laughed amicably _"at least we are happy with Shippo's involvement, if it wasn't for him you'd be dead."_

"No, he is not involved, he was not" I ingested "I don't think it has to do with him, wasn't I supposed to be monitored?"

" _Oh you are, we all are"_ Nick shrugged, _"I think… but the thing is that he alerted everyone and prioritized they find you rather than speculating if you were actually being kidnapped."_

"You think?"

" _Yeah,"_ He breathed loudly, _"I mean, I don't know what keeps him so aghast of this whole thing, he is surely or must be really stupid."_

 _Stupid?_ I smiled bitterly to myself, in all honesty I thought he was endlessly lucky.

"I guess then,-" My eyes closed, "-but Nick, don't work mom's head up," I stopped "I mean, that Shippo's involvement might be useful," I heard him make a thoughtful noise "he is fine that way," I didn't want to think I was being protective, but I knew I would be endlessly sorry if I didn't do anything to stop them from spotting Shippo.

" _Why I was about to talk to them about it."_

"Well don't" I heaved a breath, "He wouldn't be as faithful as we are between us" I don't think I was harming Shippo by saying that, if anything, it would be out of the contrary.

" _You think? What you mean by faithful?"_

But I also knew I had to be more careful with my choice of words, "I mean, he doesn't appreciate us like we appreciate each other, you know that."

He coughed, "Uh, I mean yeah but he could help? I mean we could help him, he lives sadly" My face paled.

"Nah, he doesn't deserve our shit."

I heard him shift again, _"Aksel you are too greedy, we must protect each other, including him"_ That was exactly what I was doing, _"but yeah, last time you said he was being shitty with you right?"_

"Yeah, it's not about greediness, Shippo is just… _different."_

" _I wish he wasn't like that,"_ he muttered, then recovered his light mood _"anyways how is that he managed to be away from Norway? I mean Japan, for real?"_

I sighed, "Well I guess Shippo's dad had a will, it's not like we can talk our parents into inducing him into this, like I told you before, his dad had a Will that I don't know how the fuck is being respected, I don't even know how is that Shippo has managed to have us at bait."

" _Dilik's mom said last time Shippo reminded her so much of his dad, I guess Shippo's dad was a man of character. I guess he didn't leave his son protected enough though"_

Protected? That man protected Shippo more than anyone in this family ever protected their sons.

"What do you mean Nick, Shippo has the easiest of lives from all of us."

He chortled, _"You kidding?"_ I heard Nick laughing, _"He doesn't have our luxuries, he doesn't have cars, expensive shit more than what he asks for one at a time. He could be here with us,_ _ **not alone,**_ _enjoying family trips and dinner, his life sucks man, his father screw his life up."_

His point of view was just as vain and ignorant as mine not too long ago, before I was chosen to represent the Kles Haler company in Japan, alongside The infamous Yakuza Clan, unprotected, feeling stabbed by how my family behaved when I was kidnapped, I thought I had it all, before getting to realize I didn't have anything at all. Nick you fool, money, the money you and I have access to will be our eternal debt, the toys we played with, the cars we are driving, the food we eat, the jewelry we use will be our blood on the pavement, and what will they say? That if we died violently we did a good job. That we died _fairly._

No I didn't want this, _I don't want this_ , my little brother and my little sister don't even care if you buy them a million dollar Barbie, a million dollar G.I Joe or the cheapest toy, they don't know they are creating a debt that will only be fulfilled with their blood and if I were allowed to prohibit it to them, _I would._

I swallowed unnecessarily hard, "But he is away from all the shit I have to go through to get to a luxurious dinner don't you think?"

To even express _unconformity_ with my so-called _close_ relatives was straight-up _dangerous_ , I came to realize that we weren't as faithful to one another as we were to our last name, how idiotic right?

"Uh-Oh, _**I don't think so,**_ _"_ He appreciated me, I know that, but he stopped me right there, " _you are only saying that for what you last experienced and the thing that happened to your eye, but think about it Aksel, when has it been hard for us?"_

O

Sundry and past tensed conversations come to my mind as I sit and watch these people interact, Shippo is laughing and jesting with this young kid that I liked since I first saw him, regardless of his gender, I think he is one of the prettiest persons I know, he is mounting Shippo's back and it seems like the cold breeze don't bother them enough to stop their playful gags, Youki tells him something that hits me home, "Aw but you are my soul brother dude," He is talking directly to Shippo _"my whole fucking family."_

I remember what Nick told me the last time I spoke with him over the phone, from everything that he said, he also insinuated that Shippo was _alone_. What the hell was he thinking when he said that? Did he really expect Shippo to feel fuller with our company, in Norway, twisted between our crimes? Does he expect anyone to ever feel fulfilled with that? Does he feel complete? Does he know not even him feels complete?

Just as a bitter catalyzer, my mind suddenly tangles with itself, cobwebs and lethargies start to appear and they make me hitch uncomfortably, Nick knows nothing, I am obliged to see Shippo's lucky life through my broken eyeballs. It bothers me, I know I have my reasons to be upset, I know I don't understand myself yet, but I also know I will.

Soon enough silence has to untangle my messy head.

I stop and stand, I feel cold hands on my shoulder, the wind is penetratingly cold, I sigh as mutely as I can, I see my breath, he tightens his hands on my shoulders and judging by their size, they belong to no other than Jazz, I look over but I am too distraught, he leers as usual and though his sight lifts me up from my mind's sudden breakage, I stand still; I can't even push him as I often do, I step away and I leave.

I just need some time.

Let me rehearse.

I get away, I hear my phone ringing but I need silence.

Why am I affected? I think Jazz once told me never to underestimate anyone else's hell and I've tried my best not to, especially with Shippo, but sometimes it is one thing; _hard_. It is hard because he has that one thing that money can't buy; freedom. True, I have and I can have everything that money can guarantee you, I have everything that any man my age could only wish for, I can have everything that Nick told me we had that Shippo didn't.

But Shippo has so much, so fucking much that we don't. So much that I want and I know I can't have.

Sometimes, I want no other than the right to make a mistake. I know my family has indirectly suggested that I wasn't even born with the right to think about this, or that's what they have tried to convinced me.

I just want the right to feel tired, to be sad, to be unwilling to cooperate, to be fucking messed up and distrust everyone around me, the right to feel disaffected and isolate myself in my room because I just don't want to see my mother's face any longer, the right to yell and disagree with the ones that share my same bloodline, the right to doubt if I will ever have and taste _true_ success in my life because I am just not a fucking millionaire with a tainted planned lifeline. I want success in my own way, I want to be proud of myself not just because I shamelessly scammed an equally corrupted man.

I want the right to feel wronged and being able to say it, the right to be me and not anyone else's command.

But my life wasn't granted with those rights. At my 19 years of life, I've come to that bitter realization, a realization nobody should come down to.

Sure, I want the newest car? One that I've seen in a movie? They offer it to me before I have time to wish for it, I can stick up with the ones I already have, why would I need another one? They ask if I want to wear what certain designer designed for me? Bring it on, if I want some kind of exotic new food from the other side of the world? They got it from me before I am even hungry. Wanting is so _dull_ that I don't feel like wanting anything anymore, not anything that can be given immediately to me. Nothing that money can buy me.

I might be the poor-rich boy for anyone that reaches my outer thoughts, for Shippo I am merely that; a poor-rich mommy's-kid with a consented will. I can certainly agree, money does make me feel miserable and empty, but I am not only lacking what you may assume those poor-rich kids lack, I am lacking the true essence of life, I am lacking the right to screw it all up.

I often disengage myself from dramatic thoughts but it's just right to say that if I screw it up, I'll end up _executed_.

Nick, my closest cousin thinks that Shippo would be _happier_ if he was with us, the thought comes from a good-intentioned bend, I know my cousins appreciate Shippo, they think he had the toughest life for being raised alone, they think that living modestly is living miserably, but regardless it all, Shippo has so much more than us, solitude? He has a family here, a realer one, a more genuine family than mine, than ours. I would give my entire fortune for what he has.

A football team where he isn't the captain, he knows he has to work hard if he wants to go further, a lazy girlfriend that has him on edge because she refuses to go out and hang out every day, the most supportive best friends I have ever seen, I don't see anyone behind him for monetary reasons, I see loyalty to him, even that jerk Ranma seems genuine with him, a group that respects him, even Ayame does. His own history, he is proud for having picked himself up from where his father once left him, from having being severely depressed to a strong reliability to others and when I see him with Youki, I know the two orphaned teenagers have now a solid family.

I will do my very best to keep my family's nose off of him.

He can live the life I want.

I'm at least glad that my eyes can witness freely what genuine _love_ is, as for me, I am aware I am thus doomed to die how I started, I know there is no way I could ever break free, not without dying.

O

Now I get to wonder if I really want to victimize myself, knowing how unapologetically lionized I am, I highly doubt I want to wear that type of rueful mask.

" _You are alive and should move forwards, you did a whole lot of drama about the abduction as if we didn't care, I've dealt with your audacity and restraint of ever insinuating I was not enough of a Mother. I let it pass, will not again."_

I breathed, grave "Yes mother."

" _Now you know all the sacrifices I've done, you need to put your best face for us."_

"Sacrifices."

" _The life you are lucky to enjoy isn't one anyone has the luck to have Aksel"_ her tone severed, the phone's distance didn't make it less stark _"Recognize me for having being the woman I was with you. I still am. Don't give us for granted, don't you dare give your mother for granted."_

I spaced, nodding "Yes mother."

" _Aksel,"_ My attention was picked by her sudden solemn tone _, "You are in eternal debt, don't forget we all are, we are all in this together, you know my love for you goes in true depth."_ She was threatening me, I was left wordless, for me that was the most disgusting manipulative tactic she had against me, a sordid threat disguised as _love._

"I know mother."

" _Don't you ever imply I don't, otherwise I wouldn't have paid the amount of money we paid for you."_

"You got it back."

" _Moving our currencies for a stationary **deceased** is difficult Aksel,"_ my breath hitched lightly, those words carved through my skull _"stop victimizing our boundaries, you are in debt with our entire organization. With our family. Even with yourself, it is also your money"_ Another cold warning, I nodded. _"Now all we need to do is wait, you need to be more patient."_

"Okay," Smiling inordinately, I guarded my ordnances "should I wait for _what?"_ the discussion started because I wanted to go back home, but now I don't think I want that anymore, to what _home_ would I go back to?

" _We are not going to give your location off, we need to be more careful."_

"Yes, but I can barely move, my eye still hurts. I have a horrible headache." Is it normal for a son to search for his mother's compassion? I was in genuine pain.

" _It will be fine,"_ She remained unmoving _"I don't want more drama, we have sent good doctors to attend you."_

"They are barely helping." I sighed, I really needed to hang up; She was severing our ties without letting me go.

" _Be grateful we didn't give up on you. You are alive and that is what matters. Toughen up son, now is the moment."_

"…"

" _If you lose that eye, you will have to move forwards, we are all going to be sorry, but we will still be grateful with the outcome."_

"What outcome mother?"

" _You are alive."_

Oh, how _lucky._ I just laughed.

But it at all passed, my eyesight is somewhat healthy, I can see now in a physical and metaphorical way and not because of her doctors, time lessened the murky memory that my mother's perpetual anger left behind and I am supposedly fine. What can I say? I _am_ fine. But I get to wonder, for how long will I be?

My thoughts are still strained.

I'm wondering if anyone noticed I left, I sighed in contentment, at least that idiot Jazz called me twice. I didn't hear my phone though, or maybe I did, maybe I should pay him a visit.

O

"Ah," His golden, aggressive eyes were hooded, his characteristic smirk had me glad this time, "I was waiting for someone else." I smiled at his lively voice.

"As if," I jeered, he motioned me to step in, "Thanks." He closed the door shut and locked it once both of us were inside. The freezing wind still jarred my back.

"Ah come on, I was," he laughed "maybe they saw you and ran away."

"What the fuck why, if anything they would run back up, can't you appreciate the flawlessness of a true God?"

"Perhaps of the flawed."

"Don't be an ass," I smiled and we made our way closer to the living room, I sighed amusedly, the fucking nerd had a pile of books on the living room's couch, I highly doubted he was waiting for someone. Sometimes Jazz reminded me of a mouse living in cute hazelnut house, everything was neat, cozy and warm and had books around but still remained spotlessly neat "Put on a less adorable weather sweater and then you are allowed to be the bad guy again."

"It isn't adorable, in fact, it is very…" He looked down at it, his cheeks colored pink "Yeah whatever it was cold."

"Sure because there isn't any sweaters on the men section."

He scoffed, he reached for the behind of his collarbone and yanked it to the front, intending me to read it, "What does it says there you uneducated amoeba, MALE and the fucking S is for Small size but man nonetheless."

Shit I liked him.

"Aha."

"What can't you read now?" his cheeks were still red, "Jesus, if you need glasses I'll get you some, you know I'm just as friendly. I'm sure I have some around."

"That would be interesting to see, but..." I laughed and moved my head apologetically, "Are you sure? I mean it says Women there" I pointed at it jestingly.

His eyes widened and rapidly pulled it off of him, I snorted, he was left with a plain black sleeveless shirt, he looked at the collarbone of the sweater intensely "Says male…" he said quietly, relieved, he nodded and confirmed loudly "SAYS MALE you imbecile."

"But you doubted it."

"You are so-No I _didn't!"_

"Yes you did," I watched him intently "Jaaz" I complained as he struggled to put it back on, "Jaaaz~"

"Say my name correctly you fucking-" His hands finally found their way on each sleeve, "-fucking, agh" he was really struggling, it was too big for his size, and it had strands, maybe his hair was pulling it backwards? "Shit…" that was under his breath, I snorted again, he was helplessly _endearing._

"Jaaaz~" I repeated. He was irritated, I went near and smiled, Jazz is your _atypical_ bad guy, he is in fact too short to behave like he does, but somehow it matches perfectly. I yanked both sides and managed to help him enough that his head finally found its way out, he breathed loudly, released, his hair was a violet mess, I think that it was partially his hair's fault.

I snickered at his blush "fucking sweater easy pull yeah fucking right, what was I saying?"

"You want to kill me right?"

"Ah… Yes? I mean, I guess what did you say?" he was frowning.

"Adorable, Jazz," I looked behind me at all the books rustled and scattered, tall piles on the couch and I sighed, sometimes I remind myself that Jazz isn't stupid "Weren't you supposed to be more intelligent?"

He stopped and growled, his hand went as usual on the right side of his hip, I smiled and thought it was a _girly_ gesture "Oh I'll show you just that you pretentious moron," His sudden smirk broadened, "I dare you! Let's see," He looked around, "Why don't I kick your ass on VR? Maybe The Walking Dead?" He dragged me to the living room's couch, "I got season 3 dude, I've never played it before, we'll test our luck."

"Dare taken."

There is something special about Jazz, with him and only when I am with him, I know everything that I am not.

With Jazz, I don't have a last name, I am only _Akuseru_ or however he pronounces my name, with him I can be as moneyless as him, I can talk about solitude without having to be lonely, I can eat pizza three times in a row, I can borrow his large clothes if mine are dirty,-mind to add that his clothes are always oversized- I don't have to use a brand or a suit, I can talk about why it hurts, why I feel the way I feel and he listens and he has shown me that I am too a person worth of another person's _trust._ He trusts me and has spoken about his own hell, painful things that I wish I was there to stop them but then I get to think that he is _Jazz_ only because he is stronger that what happened to him.

He makes me wish I was better.

He is too special for me, I would do anything to protect him and I don't know how to call what I feel for him, I can quite pinpoint it. What is it that only when I'm with him I feel _free?_

O

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O

 **A/N:** Here is second part and I wish I had more to say about Aksel but I did not create him :'V like I did with Jazz I mean, anyways I hope it turned out fine. Yes I guess their friendship is a little bit advanced and I will go into depth in later chapters. I am dying to write romance already :D

I am so sorry about his POV if you think its OOC, I really tried, that's why it took me longer to write than to write Jazz' POV, You know what consumed my time in this fucking chapter? The first part, the negotiation and how cool it turned out lol So anyways I hope it wasn't as tedious as it was writing it lol I hope you understood Aksel's reasons to speak of Shippo the way he did, I do think they have unblended feelings for each other and remember that Aksel's POV doesn't have to be 100% accurate about Shippo, I am simply speculating.

Lol if you say I didn't touch Aksel's thoughts abou in this chapter read it again, they are more subtle, but they are certainly making an appearance.

Sorry for grammar mistakes, I will not check it, I want to upload it, its so late already :D I am also writing ranmaxyouki because I still fucking love them so much *cries*

Till later

Batya000


	3. Chapter 3

**AN** **/ Warning: DARK THEMES AHEAD. M change for a reason. The { and } mark an outward monologue that finishes as dialogue, you'll understand when you read it.**

.

Enjoy.

 **OOOO**

 **.**

 **L O V E**

 **Black Lab**

 **Aksel's POV**

{I don't recall feeling anything, "Is that her?"

"Yes." I nodded simply.

She was dismembered, her head was severed and they just placed it carelessly by the side of her dissected body, I saw a yellow bug crawl murkily from her dichotomized chest to her bloodied groin, her toes were irreversibly twisted and there were heavy clogs of blood underneath each of her protruding nails, her mouth was open with bugs, her eyes were gauged open, I could barely see her sky-blue eyes, I could barely see her anymore, "That is my sister."

I was 15.

I will never forget the pungent smell of the open intestines of a corpse. I will never forget it. It is not something one choses to experience Jazz, up until now I hope I couldn't say 'I know' how it smells, how it- looks.

"Mrs. Næss' recognition won't be necessary," I didn't flinch when I heard the coroner talking to one of his assistances, I remember him being old, he was bald. Both were making notes "the little girl's father and older brother recognized her as such."

'The little girl' - _What is that?_ I wondered at that time, I even pointed at it, _-what is that rotting cadaver that's staring blankly at me?_

Yes, I stared back at her.

At my sister, or- the vestiges of her.

I was somehow hoping for her to mock me and yell with her characteristic high-pitched voice, like she did before, when she lived. Jazz, I just couldn't understand why she looked so scary.

"Get up." I whispered, I wasn't even standing near but somehow I expected her to hear "Get up or I'll scream."

I had to scream.

If you ask me now, I can't recall what happened next, it was a blur, a nonsensical blur. I remember that when I turned to my left I noticed how quick it was night already. Yes, I entered in daylight, and before you ask, no, I wasn't in the mortuary anymore. I remember the coroner speaking directly at me, I couldn't even listen and without even noticing, my mother was there, listening to what that man had to say about me. She was staring right at me.

She was upset Jazz.

"It is fine Mrs. Næss, he just had an anxiety attack." Now I wonder how they didn't expect it, You just can't drag a 15 year old boy to watch a gruesome violent cadaver without warning, I am not surprised I had a mental break-down right after it downed on me it was actually my sister. Back to the coroner's empty protests, I remember he urged me to stand beside my mother, I recall she placed her hand on my shoulder, not warmly, now I recognize it as solemnly cold, "We thought he was a well-behaved boy but-" He hooted, he dared laugh at my situation, because I can now assure you she was my dead, not everyone else's concern. In my opinion that man made the most tasteless comments that even being as young as I was, they bothered me, deeply. I felt somberly irate "at the end he panicked." He even dared pat my head.

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience, I hope my son behaves better the next time" Anticipating for a next time told me much you know, but at that time, there wasn't much I wanted to see, I might have been deliberately blind. It was my sister's cadaver they obliged me to see. And you know why? Simply because my mother didn't want to, because she was too busy taking other people's condolences. Because she cared too much for how big and pompous and elegant and pricy her funeral was going to be instead of actually making sure it was even her.

Now fully aware, I admit I never saw her cry, at least not about her.

All because we are all dead for her. Probably she is somewhat expecting us to die. Remember we are all their Jesters. Jazz you are good saying intelligent shit, I can give her a chance, do you think it is part of her being protective with herself? Is it instinct? Is it her nature? Is it preluded? Or is she simply just as shitty as I never wanted to see her? Don't answer that, I might just know the real answer.

At that time, I really needed a mother, the mother I thought I had. I'll tell you something, I didn't care I wasn't a toddler anymore, I didn't mind the coroner was present, I ignored my family's taciturn protocol and I recall my arms sneaking around her waist, I admit, I simply needed her. I was about to tell her how awful were the things I smelled, the things I heard and the things I saw but I remember I couldn't, I recall her pushing me away, sternly severe "Aksel I am speaking with an adult, show some respect."

I felt ashamed, I felt unheard but most importantly, I felt alone.

Yes I am fine. Just give me a minute. Just a minute. Alright, Okay.

I turned and expected to clash gazes with my sister, I was hoping for us to laugh in complicity, I was hoping for her to make fun of my mom's dismissal, I was hoping just- to see her there, standing beside me, childishly vivid, as she had been until then. In that exact moment, I started crying, it wasn't a silent movie cry, I started crying as loud and painful as my heart hunted, as my soul ached, I was sobbing, screaming, weeping, grieving, because since I was told that my sister was dead, for the first time, I understood it.

They say men don't cry, I wasn't a kid, true, was it justified to cry? Yes. I think it was. I never had time to grow up until then, I felt forced to. Jazz, that marked my adulthood, I stopped behaving as a kid after that, that was the last time I shed a tear.

My mom turned to me and slapped her own leg, impatiently, why was her teenage son crying? Dear lord, I wonder why. Her eyes were protesting for me to be quiet, she even apologized with the coroner.

I've lived unapologetically ever since. I never knew how to live with it but I did and subsequently, the pain lessened and I could go on, without her.}

-I never expected to tell about this to anyone."

Jazz was quiet as he carefully listened to every word I spoke, without interruption, our conversation was being one-sided until I detained to breathe, my throat felt a little too tight, I was lost in between the bristly memories to even pay attention to my surroundings, when I came back to earth I sighed, lightened, I reminded myself that it was my friend Jazz anyways and I couldn't help but feel thankful, he was that one person who made me close my eyes, breathe calmly and just _let go._

His eyes were lost in dullness, he hesitated to speak, but broke the silence anyways "I never once thought you would tell me."

"I figured, but at the end, it has brought me peace. To speak with you I mean."

He moved his head, "…You are strong"

"No it's just that It doesn't hurt as much anymore."

He reached for my hand, "I don't know what else to say, more than I'm profoundly condoled. I'm sorry for what you've lived, for what she couldn't. There is just about much that I know I can take. That is not one of it."

I reciprocated the grasp, our fingers intertwined, "I don't expect you to say anything that can fix it, I just hope you understand the level of hazard that's barricading alongside me."

"Don't say that." It felt warm, his hand felt warm.

"I'm serious Jazz." My eyes conflicted but he remained silent "Sometimes I doubt if it's even convenient to keep on twisting you in between the knowledge that is this tarnished obscurity, my life. I just can't forgive my powerlessness anymore, I can't blame it but I can't excuse it. I wouldn't forgive myself if I let something happen to you."

"You won't, I will be fine. I have to be the least of your preoccupations" his reassuring smile was impending to lift my wretched mood, I appreciated it, silently but I did "You know I'm not dumb I get it, I get the risk. But I promise you won't lose me, I hope I don't lose you either." He groaned, stubbornly, I once again admitted to myself that I liked him "You can't just leave me the fuck alone."

I returned the grin, "I'll fight until I die. I won't ever leave you."

"Promise?"

"Yeah…"

"…'Kay because I've told you I am not _yet_ suicidal, I might just be if you leave."

I moved my head, "Don't say that."

"Well figure that as a promise you dickhead."

"Hell, I can't give up just yet then."

He smirked, "You'll decide that pal."

I wish it was that easy, but thank you Jazz. Infinitely thank you.

 **.**

 **Jazz' POV**

Human beings are insensitive creatures to a certain degree, and by certain, I mean that this relatively negative aspect is almost an instinct. I ought to understand the utmost apathetic guise each of us can nest within ourselves. I hunt an explication that justifies society's ostracizing rebuke towards groups or individuals that might defy the commodity of being non-existent.

I haven't met Aksel's mother, but I loathe her, with my entire being, as much as I should hate my own. Without feeling it being untimely but vindicated, I can see in his eyes he hates mine just as much. I can clearly understand the reason for these mutual protection is the raw affection we developed for the other. Regardless of my resilient and sturdiness nature to form significant bonds, I am amazed by his unintentional dexterity of probing each of my walls down without them even resisting.

Notwithstanding how tempered my mulishness is, I am still startled even of my own egoistical point of view, how truthful is that everyone and anything else can go straight to hell. But if Aksel is naturally condemned to go to the dreadful netherworld, I shall just go ahead and take his hand, we can both rot in the unfathomable abyss if that means everyone else can choke. But far off- _far off._ Together.

Speaking of which, as I enter my house I think about what Aksel told me the last time we saw each other, the genuine crudeness of his experience has left me bowled over; almost numb. I dared propose to cypher every sentiment he ever so silently conveyed as he spoke about the darkest nooks of his own personal inferno, I had to remind myself that Aksel is stronger than my compelled heart and my ears were listening to a mitigated soul, not a persecuted one.

I acknowledged his trust and after that, I found myself speaking more often than not about the things that I've seen, I hear what he has to say from his often disregarded point of view and it doesn't feel bittersweet anymore when we both agree we are both going to hell.

"But hell you are coming down with me."

Why yes, I love him.

My grandmother used to say love is only useful for certain things, she used to compare its durability and convenience to the one you can find in a cigar, she said it was a fixation useful to lessen hunger, to deprive sleep, to muffle cold and she never ceased to mention it eventually kills us; the remark became so customary that I eventually stopped recognizing weather she spoke about love or she was merely referring to the cigarettes she always bought at 5 o'clock.

I never thought about it being poetic, less whimsical. For me, my grandmother was merely a bitter woman with life past her shoulder. I had 11 when she died, regardless my constant occurrence to see her, I don't remember ever crying for her. In my child's mind, she seemed uncomfortable living anyways.

Though I can't securely assert my grandmother wasn't as hollow and void as I think she was, that is possibly that one thing I can agree with, but I am also certain she didn't have that opinion out of wisdom, as I said before, my grandmother was merely a bitter woman with life aloof her shoulder; She never loved anyone and nobody ever loved her.

As per myself, I think I have acquired that consciousness out of loneliness, not out of astuteness, I am not as sage, I am not as wise. I turn off my coffee kettle and I wonder; should I be afraid of the resonating echo she left behind as her one heritage? My grandmother's legacy of lovelessness and perpetual seclusion- Probably. I often regard myself with submission, I have repeatedly asked If I, myself feel genuinely threatened by that imminent ricocheting karma; to which whiles, in retrospection and with uprightness I am always cornered to admit that- No, I do not.

I serve myself a black coffee a little bit fuller than half of it, I sigh vaguely as I look myself in the deluded reflection I see through the black water on my mug; these days I've found myself strangely compelled by my own psyche. I've always been a conceived instigator controlled by its own, my atmosphere has done little-to-none vicissitudes in the insight of my discernment, perhaps I am thoroughly mistaken, I am regularly -more often than not, assertive with myself and it is likely to think that I have acquired such distinction in response of being constantly unaided with my own mind. It is a place I do my best to keep healthy.

But regardless my intents and projections of dying as none other than Jazz, today, I've found myself defeated by myself. I am disappointed to conclude that I might not die unscathed as I projected myself to do, conceitedly and recklessly Jazz. This is a chapter I am convinced I did not write, in my methodically meticulous book, I've encounter with a savorless draft that speaks about nothing that I've taught to myself. It feels as I've been supplanted whilst vexing to control my script and I happen to see letterings and prints that accuses my wrists. But once again, I have no recollection of ever allowing it, less executing with such _stupidity._

But fairly, is it even a stupid move?

How does a person like me loses in a disclosure that's far more methodological than inadvertent? Maybe I was playing against an irrevocable force, perhaps I wanted to lose, perhaps I was lonelier than I expected and that made me play foul against myself, am I even upset? I've lost in my own game of seek and hide, in my own board, I've inferred that I completely forgot that I've always played soldier, I never had the foresees of being a King. I just wasn't careful enough, perchance I was never careful enough; at least not around him.

Does it really stop me from being Jazz? What am I now? If I do not honor what characterizes me as this unplayable contender, who am I? I remind myself that I am still a hurricane, and irretrievable might, an untamable soul that distressingly crumbled against a painstakingly stranger. I keep myself from overbearing myself with theatre, I struggle to disengage from humdrum play, but I just feel I can't win unless I stop loving him, or rather sincerely, unless _it starts to bother me._

Yes, the worst part is that when I am with him, I forget I even want to be me.

.

Let's say I can still be Jazz with him, I can be the saddest man alive, or the most hilarious one. Honestly, we just can speak about anything, yes- anything.

I threw a bluish jelly-bean up in the air, I was sprightly enough to catch it between my teeth, "-and How was it? I mean, your first time?"

He moved his head, concededly "I've told you, we were just trying to break those barriers," he winced "it was a little bit awkward" He offered finally and then he smiled, I saw a tiny blush spreading on his cheeks but I pretended not to see.

My right eyebrow lifted, amusedly "Really?"

"Yes" Aksel's lips stretched wider, "Actually a lot," he breathed and scratched the back of his neck "I mean, I don't think I was _that_ fixated with her when we first did it," he moved his head "-yours?"

I sighed dramatically loud, "Ugh Shut up," I rubbed my temple, "mine was so fucking bad," I confessed with a snicker "I didn't enjoy it at all."

He snorted beguiled, his eyes adverted to watch me grimace "Did she?"

"No man, I don't think so," I accepted, "I remember that after that, she sat beside me and said, 'To be honest? I don't understand the hype' and at that time I was like 'damn this sucks' it was super cringe-worthy and embarrassing."

"Oh man." His back was hunched and his elbows supported his weight over his folded legs, his unperturbed smile made me feel serene. My legs folded Indian style and I looked back at him.

"I hope she understands I was a kid," my hand moved explanatorily "but many first times are undoubtedly terrible. Most accurately if you lose it to one another, means none got the experience, equals none get the pleasure."

"Yeah, I guess so." He agreed "But I guess even in those cases things get better."

"I would expect." I snorted, heavily engrossed by his charm. I shook my head and I focused on ripping off every grass at my reach, I started making animal figures with them sticks.

Silence filled the spaces, but it was more comfortable than not. His voice didn't startle me, but it was effective to avert my eyes back on him "Did you know her? I mean, I thought you only picked girls at clubs?"

I moved my head in negative, almost expecting the question "Would it surprise you if I told you that I _don't_ usually pick them at clubs?"

He closed one eye, resourcefully clever "For real?" I only nodded, he moved his head incredulous, "Jaaz?" he pressed

"Why no," I licked my lips amused and placed another jelly-bean up my tongue, I almost chuckled, "Actually I didn't know her personally, I guess we didn't even like each other at all, we had this friend in common, don't ask me how we ended up hooking up upstairs. I was bored? I guess? I admit I was hesitant when I agreed going with her, we were at one of my friend's house."

"Oh really? it wasn't a first-hand option for you? Jazz I swear to god that when I think I know everything about you, you come up with something new."

"I felt dismayed by the idea of sex to be honest, of course it wasn't an easy step, I didn't wake up one morning and said 'hell I'm going to go girl-hunting at a club' It was a thing that after some bits of information, the idea started growing on me. When we were in our friend's house, what happened is what I told you, sheer dissatisfaction." I ended up with a snigger.

I continued, he just nodded "When I was done with her I thought I would never get to enjoy it. And to worsen things I really didn't like her,"

"That much?"

"In my memory she is fucked up dude."

Aksel started laughing, "Maybe she wasn't,-wait you are merely speaking about her physical appearance aren't you?"

"Sort of, I don't want to be a jerk but whenever I see Gasper I see her." I sighed affronted, I felt admittedly mortified "Because she was too white and too thin for my now advanced tastes," I shined "but yeah her mood was awfully awkward, I guess she was as uncomfortable as me."

"Oh, that sounds pretty bad."

"Yes and before I forget, what you said about me going into clubs; while, yes I do go to clubs, I go to drink alcohol, with friends, alone it doesn't matter. I've only hooked up with a club's girl for like... twice."

"Really? Where the rest come from?" he inquired "I thought you were casual as fuck."

"Oh I am," I chortled "I'll tell you about one if you want."

He chuckled, "Yeah, I want to hear that."

"Cool, so I entered this typical American Milkshake restaurant. I was at the back reading, I recall it was something very uninteresting, otherwise I would have been permanently _glued_ to my book." I confessed, Aksel just moved his head, he mouthed something akin to _'nerd'_ but I ignored it "She had this short blonde hair, she had freckles all over her face and deep brown eyes, overall pretty."

I continued "Yes, she was alone and surprisingly she was reading as well. I'm a simple man, no stunts, no romanticism, I got up and asked if we could read together." I pushed back a strand of hair off my face, I was still recounting, "She looked up at me and she smiled. I understood she liked me just as much and that she was interested as well."

Aksel grinned and reached for my bag of jelly-beans, he took a bunch and snorted yet again, "How the hell you even do that? What if…" he moved his head again, "What if she told you to fuck off?"

"I was subtle enough to make her think I might have _not_ be flirting at all. Not that I'm an expert but I am certainly not basic, and yeah, I define being simple and basic very differently in this sort of context."

"Are you kidding me?" the wind blew through his orange hair and I permitted myself to return the beam.

"No, for real." I nodded "so I asked her about the book she was reading, I then suggested we should go for a walk, fast forwards we are kissing and she asks me if I'm really a dude."

"What did you say?" Aksel's was genuinely delighted.

I raised my eyebrow, "why don't you find it out by yourself doll?"

He started laughing, he gently pushed my shoulder "Fucking moron I hate you."

I snickered back, looking straightly at him "At the end of the day she said she knew it was a onetime thing but she wouldn't be upset to find me again, she gave me her number with a lip-stain on the back."

"Did you ever call her back?"

"Never."

He huffed, thoroughly jolly "I would hate to be a woman near you."

"You'd love it, I'm a gentleman."

He disagreed, charmed "As if."

I moved my head and shrugged "what about you, first time you were with someone that wasn't _her_?"

He stopped to think and hesitated "Hmmm... Only when we broke up, with Charlotte I mean," he paused again "we were once apart for like 6 months and after the first 2 months I thought it was for real and yeah," he admitted "in one of my professional meetups, but like the most social and jovial side of those meetups I saw this girl and I guess it was an instant click. I guess she was Spanish."

"God, was she fine?"

"Yes, let me recall," he hummed, "she was thinner than my ex. She was very tall, as tall as maybe, maybe Nobu but she was really pretty, she was very tanned, believe me when I tell you she was fine, she was much better than my ex."

My eyebrow lifted playfully, "How can you even say that?" Not that I complained "Jesus and _I'm_ the moron."

"I guess that with Charlotte we weren't in the best of terms, we had a very rough break-up at that time, I felt bitter so my mind was as jagging, I really thought that, when we were apart, she was the most defective girl alive, I dare not say woman because If I'm honest with you I never saw her as one, up until now I sustain it."

"No chill for being honest," I blew the tiny flakes of grass stuck on my shirt and then offered him more of the colorful jelly-beans inside the bundle-bag I brought alongside me, he gladly accepted them, I decided to speak "With guys I have so much less experience but let's say I can handle it without giving off any kind of inexperience-vibe" I placed my index finger on my chin "even when I had my first time with one."

"Why? I thought you liked to handle control."

"When did I say I don't but see, there is a difference between giving up control and acting like you are somewhat inexperienced." I huffed, "And just for the record, I wouldn't risk my mental stability for nothing, I dared being with a guy once I knew that I enjoyed sex 100%."

"Oh so you mean-"

"Yep," I asserted " _that_ was the last thing I tried, it's not like I tried guys and girls at the same time. When I got with a guy I already knew that sex could be enjoyable and not triggering, I felt less inhibited by dread." I impended, elusively "No preference-wise I am 100% bisexual. Means I like them just as much."

"I really thought you were always bisexual." he whistled, impressed "Since like forever."

"No, I wasn't, in fact like I have said, the idea eventually grew up on me. At the time when I was 14, I was still struggling to get over what happened to me when I was a child." I closed one eye, elucidating my former skirmish "But I was getting there nonetheless."

He dipped his head in understanment, "I see."

"When I did it with a guy for the first time I was already an adult. You can say I wouldn't have been prepared had I done it earlier. It would have been detrimental for me." I could tell he was being contemplative to my words and I valued the intention, he seemed inquisitive about the subject.

"You were 18? I mean with guys?"

"No, just on my 17's, not a legal adult, but come on, an adult already. If I don't gross you out I can talk about it?"

"Don't be silly?" he patted my shoulder, "Go ahead I want to know that about you."

"…'aight, let's see," I placed another jelly-bean in my mouth, I frowned at the sugary taste. "First off, I was bored," Differing from widespread opinion, I was not used to talk about my sex-life with anyone, but Aksel just brought out that type of trust in me "My friends and I, we were all chilling and one said we should go play some pool, it was like 10 minutes away," I shook my head tentatively, "this guy was staring at me, inhibitions off dude, alcohol does that."

"Isn't that a little bit dangerous?"

"Yeah, but don't get me wrong, I was at a point where just primal reserves were off, not my consciousness, I was somewhat sure of what I was doing, otherwise I would have been alarmed, mostly looking back."

"I see," I nodded at him.

"We chatted a little, I'm a mild smoker so he was basically setting me off with how much he smoked," I stuck out my tongue, rebuffed "I don't recall at which point I started ignoring that, I guess I really liked him," I leered chivalrously "Hell it was so cool, when the deed was done I thought that like for real it was one of the coolest hookups I've had."

"You are nuts," He ruffled my hair, "was it how you expected it to be?" he was still entertained.

My mouth creased in doubt, "I guess I didn't know what to expect and when it happened it was more painful than any other shitty expectation that I could have imagined." I windswept the grass underneath again, my wittiness was clearly diverting him.

He closed his eyes and exhaled "I mean, I guess but-" he snickered again "But did it surpass your -pleasure-wise expectations?"

"Yeah, we can say so," I concurred, shrugging "plus the experience was so much different than anything I'd tried up to that moment."

"Better?"

I hesitated, "Errr…." I moved my head uncertainly, "Let's say it was _different."_

I continued, "Actually, it was a tad ridiculous, he was sort of like 'Oops I'm flirting I thought you were a girl' and I went right back at him like 'dude, if the girls you approach dress like me you do have some serious closet issues."

"Damn," Aksel gritted his teeth, secondhandly embarrassed.

I dipped my head adamantly, "But like, he offered an apology and half-assed said he meant to say I was too attractive to be a guy."

"Hell, I imagine you even snarled."

I laughed "No, I just-, my voice is naturally a bit- aggressive," I explained, broadly boastful, "Plus, it's not like I was angry, nobody has ever bothered me with comments like those, what I flipped to, is the unpractical tactic- reproved at first." He beckoned.

I sighed placidly and unrelented "But in a very light-hearted side, I really had fun with him."

"Sounds cool," he enticed "did you ever see him again?"

"Thanks God I haven't."

Aksel guffawed, unbelievingly "Really? You wouldn't like to see him again?"

"Not in a million years." I capared, honestly eased "Let the experience stay that way, I wouldn't like to see anyone I've had sex with again. I would probably run and subsequently die."

"Why is that?"

I sighed but offered nonetheless, "Good things are meant to be dazedly remembered, the thrilling of lust might have changed the perception of how we saw each other and that applies to every person I've been with, if we see each other again we might question why we did what we did, and so far I don't have any regrets."

"Well that has sense, but what about Gasper?"

I placidly sustained "Not even Gasper, I do question where my mind was though" his smile was godly,

"I see," He finalized but then I noticed he shifted diffidently, then his eyes gazed back at me and probed "But… one question."

"Yeah?"

He exhaled and took another candy from my bag, I could have easily give them candies up, I was honestly saccharined by the absurd amount of sugar I oddly ate, "But being heterosexual you just don't get on with a dude without ever feeling attracted to the gender as whole, or I'm wrong?"

"To generalize might be problematic, in my personal opinion, I differ from you. I think that one single person can serve to a straight person as some sort of outburst, like an upheaval, have Ranma as an example, or even Youki." He listened me and then he nodded, "Not in my case though, if I'm really, but _really_ honest with you, I think I was probably just afraid of ever acting upon my bisexuality. Even after that experience, I was still feeling closeted. I was not yet happy with myself."

His eyes stuck curiously on me, utterly absorbed, "Really?"

"I guess so, let's say that until that day I was able to merely _start_ accepting myself as bisexual. But get this, It's not like I had my family's support through thick and thin, even before realizing I liked dudes, my mother already called me 'fag' for being raped when I was a child. Excuse my rusticity."

He looked at me, surprised "No it's fine, what staggers me-" his eyebrows furrowed, already piqued, "-I'm sorry but what a fucking _bitch_."

"Yeah, that is what she is." I agreed, the subject wasn't enough to wipe off my grin "For me it was incredibly challenging and somewhat knotty to achieve even just a little bit of self-assurance, I mean, regarding myself." I breathed out, "I was constantly reminded, almost mentalized that I was some sort of decease. For so long, I guess I tried to snub that part of me and up until today I admit to you that I am not as proud as I really want to. But I'm trying."

"I'm sorry," he moved his head, pensively, "For all the self-doubts she brought to you, I'm happy you outsmarted her toxicity, at least much more than anyone would have. And even if it's not done yet, just the fact you are trying is a lot." I smiled and became quiet to let him continue, "Jazz I'm proud of you."

My cheeks felt warm, "Shut up, I'm a fucking mess sometimes, you can't say that, and dude I am not trying to victimize myself."

"I never implied you did, I just know that you are stronger than you seem" He ruffled my hair again, "What I don't know is what kind of gross shit you have to be to treat your son like that, especially after an event so devastating as that one."

"Yeah..." I was already pensive, "Aksel," he looked back at me, surprised at the softness of my usually abrasive voice _"Thank you."_

His eyes opened falteringly "What for?"

"You can guess why people like me can't speak about rape and sex in the same conversation, not without being wrongly judged or mercilessly pointed at, especially when you are male and you later on found out you liked dudes as well," I heaved a breath, "My mother have sharp weapons when it comes to disapprove my lifestyle. She uses animalistic remarks implying that I must have enjoyed what happened to me when I was 5 or that I probably asked for it. You just can't generalize, my mother does, society does and I hate to know that."

Aksel winced and flinched at the crudeness of my words "Jesus fucking Christ Jazz."

"I can't trust in no one," I turned my eyes to him, "I once saw that as impossible. But now I trust you."

He placed cautiously his arm around my shoulders, "And I'm thankful for that." if he wasn't him, if it wasn't Aksel, I would have quickly recoiled from his touch. Even now, sometimes, lasting contact is just too overbearing for me.

"No, I don't want to get into sappy crap, but I'm more thankful than you can imagine." I rested my head on his shoulder and I couldn't recall any other time that I ever felt so unjudged by anyone before, for some reason, I didn't feel ashamed. But most importantly, with him I felt at complete and truthful peace. Sides, I knew I loved his aroma.

After a while, He sighed, calmly, "Side note," he muttered "I really like the way you think. Is that a thing?"

"Not really, people hardly take me seriously," I nuzzled on his shoulder, "but I figured it's just as fine, throughout the years, people barely get to know the real Jazz," I grinned at him "in fact you are the only one who has seen him" I decided confidently, his seaglass eyes opened for me and our gazes clashed, I ventured to speak again "What about the real Aksel?"

"What real one?" He questioned, still smiling.

"The one that likes cooking and Star Wars, better be, the one who has a fond spot for unusual animals and ugly insects? Or maybe the one who really likes children and feels guilty when he finds himself bored with their, redundantly- childish company, or-"

"Stop it," he placed a hand over my mouth, "that Aksel is sleeping deep within the roots of evilness."

I groaned, pushing him away "For real? I see him all the time?"

He placed his index finger on my forehead and I scowled, "But that's because you are also an assertively- unusual animal and I do, in fact have a soft spot for them."

"Hey! What do you mean by- _fuck off,"_ My eyes rolled up annoyed, I swatted his hand off "But for real? There is yet another Aksel that sometimes… sometimes makes it through?"

"You mean the weak one who doesn't like the shit he does for a living? Rather, the one who knows he will be slaughtered if he refuses?"

I hesitated, "Yeah that one, but without the 'weak' adjective."

He inhaled and moved his head dejectedly unconfident "Well that one can choke," he looked at me "Jazz you have seen hell without dying, I guess you can take to see how mine feels, others-" he exhaled painlessly "…They would simply run."

"Well then _they_ can choke. You know I like you from head to toes, I ain't leaving for shit."

Aksel's cheeks colored blithely up, but his demeanor remained cool, "Shut up, you say that to everyone."

"Not really, I barely speak in terms of genuine affection with anyone, actually, I've never. But I am not virgin if that's why you say that."

He moved his head apologetically, "I know that," his hand touched mine "I'm playing with you."

"But I am not," I looked at him straight in the eye, "I mean it" his eyes softened.

His hand tightened on mine, "I know that too."

He didn't know how far his hand reached up to mine, the unfathomable darkness that he dared retrieve my corpse to begin living, when I spent years and years immersed in the loneliness of my memories, in the loneliness of my silence. When he stood quiet and held me, he saved me.

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you, as Bob Marley once said, you just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

And now, I don't think it is just as bad to be in love with him.

I might just have to tell him how I feel. I probably should.

I groan as I decide, I will.

.

 **AN/** A little bit longer than I expected, I mean I really want to get into the Halloween fic I am planning. As per this fic, I hope things get juicy between them because I just can't throw gayness out of nowhere and I need to :/ so lol, more character monologue y'all :'v I hope you enjoy it, I will write the Halloween fic soon (before October 31st I hope) so stay tuned :D

Also, I know the shit about Aksel's sister was hella dark but I guess both were into some pretty dark shit throughout their lives so avoiding angsty stuff was like… impossible? Also YES, the whole Aksel's monologue was actually him telling to Jazz how things went down, I really wanted to write something around it and I was planning to prolong it but… gayness, I'm impassive to get to it. So Yay! And here ya got Aksel and Jazz' character development.

I'm sorry if the dark and humor shit is roughly mixed but I wanted to lift the mood, Patient, slash is soon to take this fic over, I mean who would have guess? I love Yaoi lol, ALSO no grammar checks I incorporated many parts today and I needed to finish this chapter, so I'm sorry if you found some flaws :V

I hope you enjoyed it.

Till next time

Batya000


	4. Chapter 4

**AN/ Warning: DARK THEMES AHEAD,** I am aware this maybe a tiring chapter to read as it was not easy to write and I had fun just until I reached the half of it, but I feel this was necessarily to take it to _this_ lengths so you could understand the importance this had in their relationship. I too dislike _him_ but he is necessary in the development of this story. I hope you don't get bored, I hopeeee you like it :B

Sorry if my writing was a bit repetitive and tiring? Lol I had issues with the tense I wanted to use so you may find some grammar horrors and structural issues, I couldn't double check, just like very quick because it's hella late.

.

Enjoy.

 **OOOO**

 **.**

 **L O V E**

 **All the King's horses**

.

It frustrates him, like nothing have had the clout power to frustrate him before, Jazz' façade remains unreceptive, thoroughly nonchalant. All that is stoicism and plain indifference harks him back of Jazz' hazardous yellow eyes. Zedd is always impressed and every time he confronts his former comrade's aloofness, he is always received with a new layer of derision and jarring sarcasm, each time is more hurtful than the last one.

Jazz is unreadable as a cipher, a complex one, and admittedly, his cruelness towards the bigger man has ascended to a villainous level, almost wicked and criminal to Zedd's self-proclaimed praiseworthiness, one that comes perfunctorily with the sole benefit of being a living thing. It is an implicit regulation that comes innate within the true value of people, but when it comes to Zedd, Jazz simply won't esteem or respect such knowledge, for him Zedd is little less than nothing. "Ah Zedd, you do remind me of a cockroach. I seem to stomp on you and you just won't die... Die yet?"

And he says all this with a smile.

"Hm, Zedd? A man was slaughtered veeery grimly last night," Jazz sighs distantly, almost dreamily, "How I wish it was you."

"…"

"Aye, that poor man's family might be mourning right now, if it was you, nobody would."

Jazz sees no line whatsoever in between hostility and downright destruction, he glowers at Zedd with his authoritative bellicose eyes and his voice screeches not so silently an ever vicious line, always that he has a chance, always that he has the humor to speak. Because other times he won't even look at him.

"Zedd, how I wished you weren't born, imagine all the possibilities yay!" he laughs amused, as if the imagery brought him joy and yet for Zedd he looks just as pretty, "Let us not fret, I can still shoot right between your eyes."

"…"

"Gushes upon surges of blood oozing from everywhere! How cool but I just can't picture your brains? Perhaps I'm foreseeing the lack of these?" Jazz snickers again, his mirth is shoddy and arcane, "For sure you'd appeal my disgust, you'd look for once execrably engaging."

His apathetic and vile mockers troubles Zedd to restless nights, sinister shivers of genuine loathness cripples his mind to where there isn't ever a healthy return, for Zedd it is difficult to keep up and not victimize himself. He feels sorry for his own persona more frequently than not and sometimes he allows himself to forget why is him subjected to such inimical mistreat. Those are the times where he will meander in all the possibilities of how he can break havoc in those alluring golden slits.

But he just can't underestimate Jazz' remnant bequest; Jazz is strong and resilient and unbendable and definitely flawless and unquestionably, Jazz is the dignified subject of his unhealthy desire. So Zedd is fanatical of him, he feels infatuated by the fervent obsession and the passionate hate he professes for him, it doesn't matter if he imperils his day to venerate Jazz or to averse him.

For him, it is all about Jazz, Jazz and Jazz.

He likes to think that Jazz abhors him, for more reasons than simply being tired of Zedd's timeless persecution, but truth is, Jazz have never showed anything more than hilarity, wicked entertainment if everything, but certainly- no anger, no resentment, less sadness, even lesser- fear. It is what bothers him the most.

Zedd constantly works himself in the thought that Jazz despises him, that he detests him with his entire heart, because hate is just as strong as love, but his hopes are repeatedly thrown downhills if he inquires Jazz about it.

"Do you hate me?"

"No, I don't hate you." He says easily. Zedd notices how he always sounds so sure about his thoughts. Never a hesitation, never flailing; Jazz' discourse always feels impeccable against his own impediments and incompetent approaches.

"But you wish I, you-" he shakes his head, Jazz wonders to snap what brain if Zedd doesn't seem to have one "You wish I was dead."

"As I wish I'd never had to encounter a cockroach, yuck," He sticks out his tongue, he then beams in deviated cheerfulness, just about as serene as it can get "I can live perfectly happy with the knowledge that they exist though. You level that."

"…"

"I would not give you so much importance to hate you."

Those days Zedd stomps all the way back home and screams and destroys his home all over again because he is genuinely sick of Jazz. Because he knows that Jazz definitely doesn't profess love for him but just as much he doesn't profess hate either and that is- alarming. Jazz evidently sees him as some sort of dull entertainment, as a puppet to which he can be experimentally cruel and unkind with. Because as far as he knows, with other people Jazz is not usually a bastard.

A complete bastard is less of a designation to what he is with him, Jazz is much harsher than that, he doesn't seem to qualify Zedd as a life form that deserves the dignified treatment of such. Usually, Zedd's awareness feels pressed to further analyze and scrutiny his very own responses; mentality is something Jazz can play well, a game Zedd is not a fair opponent to. With a lectured person such as Jazz, he can't merely shrug.

"What is funny to me is how self-entitled you feel to even ask such a thing." Jazz places his cheek on his palm, his elbow on his knee, he seems unperturbed, almost bored, his lips stretch in comicality and he sniggers sardonically, "So much self-esteem for an ordinary maggot."

"I just asked about this new kid I've seen around you lately, Axes, Alexis or… whatever."

"Aksel, you dimwit. But hm, didn't know a larvae could manage balls." He pokes his own chin tentatively, his tone irreverent "How interesting."

"You are avoiding my question."

"Shall I answer," his eyes hardens, his smirk is not less mordant "do enlighten me why."

"…"

"Exactly," he giggles satirically, and points at Zedd "exactly that, how intelligent of you!" tongue in cheek, Jazz is caustically acid.

Concretely but not less adamantly, it is a difficult task not to surrender against Jazz' elaborate and sumptuous speech. Zedd knows that regardless how loosely the exchange comes across or how intricate it goes between them, he is always the chosen one to lose, it is a game innately but most inherently cruel to him, a game figured and masterly reckoned by his skillful adversary all too well.

Exasperatingly and much more honestly than that, Zedd does not think Jazz is even trying.

And that part is where he mostly loses his mind through fidgety and agitated nights of Insomnia, when his mind is clear and even when it feels muddled, it is unavoidable for him not to notice that Jazz doesn't put him much thought as he does for him, Jazz doesn't seem to mind him at all, he isn't even a pest insufferable enough to make him slightly distressed, while it is true that Jazz' words bite hard, they bite for the sheer roughness and the rudiment they impend, not because they mean something more. Not because Jazz want them to mean anything else.

Jazz is genuine with how he expresses his mind; all in all, it is his unpolished frankness and honesty that traduces as sheer insignificance and meaninglessness as of value- or lack of it towards Zedd. Not that Jazz ever tried to hide this. More basically, Jazz is purely indifferent and Zedd can't help but acknowledge this, he seizes the obvious, especially throughout those wide smirks and vindictive gazes.

The most agonizing- _hindrance_ between every single taunt that slips ever so sharply off of Jazz' tongue happens to be the irrelevancy Zedd plays in the life of him. The sole thought keeps Zedd coming back to attempt, try hard to ruffle Jazz' skin the wrong way; sometimes he convinces himself that he has conveyed at least _something_ , he thinks there must be bitterness, acrimony hatred underneath Jazz' flesh for him. He never ceases to swell in disappointment when he proves himself that there is none. Jazz simply lacks interest.

He repeats words that are insignificant and hollow and Jazz always has the power to recant destruction, his soliloquy weaving clues that are both obscure and all too clear, a crippling sense of Deja-vu turns Zedd into a witness of this play, grounds him to the spot so that he can watch as events unfolds with irrevocable tolls of the past.

Because Jazz isn't fragile. Not at all, for that he is sure. But then again, Jazz is what he wants to be, with who he wants to be and Zedd knows that- all too well. "Ah," Jazz sighs disappointed, his bullet missed its target, outwardly diverted, he revises the shotgun's powdery orifice and then gleams back at Zedd "My marksmanship never fails," Jazz sneers poignantly "I'm an impeccable snipper." He reminds him, mostly menacingly.

In resume, he missed to kill Zedd with his shotgun. Zedd wonders if it was on purpose.

Jazz is sitting on a rock, gun on lap, a black gear to carry the large riffle, his sneer is on. Zedd doesn't think he has to wonder anymore, Jazz obviously missed on purposed; after all, Jazz wouldn't become a killer for someone he doesn't care for. So he simply misses and laughs. In his opinion, Jazz is one 'coldblooded motherfucker.'

Zedd breathes dreadfully, his heart is about to explode, his ears still rumble, the bullet still feels as if it loomed to assassinate him, he sees Jazz gripping his riffle close to his chest, elevates the firearm skillfully and then Zedd watches as Jazz points at him again, scathingly cynic. Jazz closes one eye, as if to aim correctly this time around. "It would be so easy." He licks his reddish lips, derisively ruthless.

"Shoot then" Zedd dares, Jazz shrugs agreeably and removes the trigger guard, when Zedd squeezes his eyes in fright, Jazz kicks the metal bucket that is on his left as hard as he can, the platform from his boots crashes against brass with thunderous force, it perfectly mimics the sound of a gunshot. Zedd falters and screams, he recoils scarily on the floor, once he notices he is not dead and the sound didn't actually come from Jazz' gun, he grimaces in shame. he hears a heartless snort coming from the armed man.

Jazz bursts in laughter, points at Zedd mockingly, he can't speak at all and his attempts to break his own laughter twists into merciless giggles and he even doubles over to touch his own stomach because it hurts to laugh that much, it's just too funny for him, "haha Pathe… hah, pathetic.." Zedd is seeing red, he fists his hands and as he regains his composure, he swears that one fine day, he will be Jazz' imminent doom. He knows he can't execute Jazz right there and then, he knows he is not the one holding a high caliber rifle.

Jazz finishes with a callous snicker and then watches him, intently, audaciously, "Are you sure though?" His peril eyes screeches calamity, Zedd remains quiet.

There is smoke all around them, it still smells of gunpowder from the first shot that Jazz did trigger. Even none fatally, Zedd is certain that Jazz wouldn't have had any remorse in shooting his knee off. His heart is clogged in the middle of his trachea, he is still shaking, he knows he just had a close-call with death _'is this motherfucker for real?'_

"No, right?" Jazz smirks, undecipherable to Zedd's cognizance, Jazz places the shotgun to his side, regularly; he finds himself despising Jazz' every breath, "You know not to follow me anymore don't you?" Jazz points his index fingers at him, simulates a gun and childishly motions a trigger, he mutters a 'bam'.

"Perhaps."

Jazz' eyes sharpen, "It wasn't a question," his darkened voice scraps his ears, it does alert him, "It's a warning."

Zedd nods, but the mindless motion itches Jazz' hands to attempt murder again, he refrains himself from doing so. Jazz contemplates that Zedd is sure- lucky to survive a snipper's shot and whilst he wouldn't give Zedd so much relevancy to murder him _today_ , he grins darkly at the thought that he would not be as merciful next time, the image of a dead Zedd delights him deeply "…Right…"

Jazz simply stands from where he is sitting, grabs his riffle's stock, accommodates his vest and without anything else to add, he starts walking away. He strolls unpreoccupied past Zedd's disturbed self and leaves.

Zedd watches as his lean figure disappears in the autumn's condensed steam, he wonders about him.

He knows he has lost the most basic level of humanity in his eyes and the worst part is that he just can't blame Jazz. Not even in his utmost victimized soliloquies. He is aware that he is the one who has taken his harmful fixation way too far, to a very corrupt corner, to accomplish a very morbid objective. For a long time now, he has sought to witness Jazz' permanent grin falter at least once, to weaken him just a little, maybe to break him into pieces and maybe then, his touch will be welcome, his presence will be needed. Maybe then, in his twisted mind, Jazz will love him back.

But it never happens, it never happened, he has done everything that he thinks may thorn Jazz' body and mind apart, is not that Jazz subjects himself to this intentions. But compulsively, hideously and very carefully, Zedd has tried it all, in hopes to bristle him into pieces but it only ends up in frustration for him. Jazz' mind remains spotless, as far as it seems, he only appears to be stronger and more amused than before.

One thing for sure, Zedd wants him, obsessively so, unhealthily so, regardless the deep hatred he holds for him, he wants him and it angers and troubles him to know that Jazz doesn't want him back.

"Don't you mind?" Now that he thinks about it, Jazz answers with scheming games and he waves it off, moves his head dismissively, -No, Jazz never minds.

And it is a game Zedd can't play, he knows he is not completely his victim, after all, all he wants is to destroy Jazz, because he doesn't like him. And now, he doesn't expect something- _anything_ , or Jazz is just being hell, a manipulative scornful bastard with the intent to make him drown in his own mania, because he is just too insignificant for him.

'Zedd is too insignificant for Jazz'.

So he calls Jazz, he messages him, desperate texts of murk desire, and he sends pitiful letters and later, he finds them in the trashcan outside Jazz' house, sealed, without opening, and so he stomps all the way to wherever Jazz is and he yells and he begs, and shouts, he cries and tells him he will kill himself for good, he says he loves him, he never obtains anything else than laughs, shrugs, impenetrable grins and the whole mockery that feels too empty because they are too real.

And he asks him why, why and why he does what he does to him, he asks him why he isn't in love with him as he is and Jazz just hoods his eyes and mocks and ridicules and points his fingers and calls him as always- pathetic. But empty, so empty, so real and hellish, and everything is shallow and Jazz doesn't even mean to be upset, because he is not, he is just tired, it is obvious he is tired of seeing him, tired of hearing about his obsession and occurs to Zedd that Jazz is simply tired because he had to go to college.

Jazz doesn't give an actual fuck.

"I raped you."

"I know."

"Twice." He says drily, he drops his wretched apologies to the trash and tries to push Jazz' mind somewhere dark, as if trying to trigger anything; anger, sadness, wrath, _terror_ whatever that may show that Zedd has managed to hurt him, that he is simply- affected.

"You fear me, that's why you did that." He offers simply, his face is pretty and hysterically Zedd repeats this in his head- 'he is too pretty, he is too pretty, he is too pretty', Yet he is too upset to dismiss the response he acquires from him.

"Why would you say that?"

"Oh," he feigns interest, "Rape is not about pleasure Zedd, you know that very well, rape is about power."

"I don't get it."

"Hardly anything," Jazz guffaws, "when you drugged me, it was because you fear me at my sharpest and most awoken state," he snickers proudly, " because you can't get what you want from me, you will never, not from Jazz and I'm _always_ Jazz, relentlessly so and you hate it, because you can't break me. You don't know how" he smirks as if he spoke about anything mere.

Jazz continues "Regardless Jazz is unconscious and not entirely well- _Jazz_ ," he scoffs, sinisterly cheered "You still seek to overpower something that you know you could _never overpower otherwise_. Because Zedd you are the weakest and most pathetic man I know." He laughs and looks witty as he explains "Why, I can't bring myself to be upset with you, if anything, I pity you."

Jazz hums and Zedd remains speechless, "it is very interesting to see what brings authority to certain people. Humanity is just as fascinating."

"It's fair to say you can't be part of the undertow that wrecked your tide in the first place, as a saying says." Jazz ties his hair in a bun, dispassionately, he is not upset, he is too assertive, his words carve in deep "I'm not broken Zedd," their eyes lock, Jazz' voice is unwavering.

"Even if you call for murder," his graceful hand waves, disinterestedly "I will not die because you ever managed to harm me, it's because you were too scared to let me live." The assertion brings a weighty knot in Zedd's stomach "You are, once again- pathetic." He moves his shoulders as he walks past him, he points at the bigger man, contemptuously, "Merely that, a pathetic excuse of a human being. A scrub, a filthy insect that doesn't even bother me at all."

Jazz daggered, finally "I could see you live despite it all and find genuine happiness, even now, I am in fact, happy. Your presence as a whole is just one dust particle that I can perfectly ignore. For me you are nothing."

Zedd decides he is hurt.

He notices that Jazz' words aren't even intricate, they lack dexterity and deftness and all that characterizes Jazz' usual complicated speech, but they are unpolished, rough and somehow, the most honest thing he had ever heard come from Jazz' mouth. And Zedd drowns in sorrow and knows that Jazz means every word he said, that he doesn't really like him but he doesn't pursuit to damage him, only because he doesn't care enough to plot against Zedd.

Jazz is just being real, he doesn't even seem upset at all, if anything, he looks amused, edging once again in- boredom.

It pains him so much that he has to leave. So he leaves and Jazz again, just shrugs.

.

"Ugh, how irritating, you must have done something to have him clinging like that."

The phone has been insistently ringing for the last hour.

Jazz shakes his head, his eyebrows furrows with yet another headache caused by the averring annoyance the buzzing of the phone brings to him, he throws his phone to his left, they are in his house and apart from the persistent noise, it's is quiet. Jazz almost purrs when Aksel's hand runs comfortingly soft through his plum colored hair. When his fingers touch his neck it almost feels intimate so he sighs pleasantly and Aksel discovers that he likes the sound. Jazz closes his eyes, his day was shitty, he had a sly argument with Lena about returning to his mother's house so he decides, he is not in the required astral mood to answer Zedd's absurd calls, "Believe me when I tell you I've not."

When Jazz first spoke about Zedd, it happened to be a lot easier to lie and say that they used to be tangled in something compromising. It was easier than ridicule himself about having someone close to a dangerous stalker, someone who used to be his friend and ultimately got twisted in between his insane obsession to have him.

Thanks to sexism, arguments such as - _'You are a man, that doesn't happen to you.'_ Or _'If that was true and you didn't actually like it, you would have gotten rid of it already'_ , _'what kind of weak man you happen to be? I mean you are dude.'_ -Would come easily at the table and Jazz was not at all ready to deal with all that crap.

How would Jazz argue them that Zedd is in fact a masochist brainless neanderthal that has no understanding and no respect whatsoever about being turned down? Jazz knows this was impossible just as well.

Jazz is protective with himself, with that comes the obvious. Whilst it's true that they used to be somehow friendly towards each other, it is completely false to say Jazz ever had a romantic interest for him, with _that_ fact came Zedd's unhealthy obsession, it has always been unrequired.

Jazz would never put himself in such a vulnerable position with the rest, and in Jazz' logic, that position as powerless as his gives him a certain side of delicacy that he despises, he is so much rougher than that. So as far as Aksel and everyone else knew, Zedd was someone who fucked with him once and then totally lost his mind, all to be with him- again. And since Jazz didn't mind his sexual reputation, it all felt much easier like that.

Certainly easier than rapist.

Much more accurately _his_ rapist.

It is almost self- explanatorily if he wonders why being raped is such a sharpened weapon for others against him, he prefers to lie and keep quiet about the battles he endures. He would rather die than give others a glimpse of what had weakened him over the past years, especially because these events could easily become a way to cause him disaster.

He can't concentrate enough and drops his thoughts, he sees blank and respires the ginger's elegant aroma, he feels shivers ripping at his spine, Aksel's hand is strong and feels soft against his skin, he just wished Aksel could openly touch him somewhere else, as long as possible.

Aksel's hand drops to reach for the phone, "Let me speak with him." Jazz only moves his head in negative and he moves close to his friend, he snuggles affectionately against Aksel's shoulder and judging by the unusual approach coming from Jazz' usual distant self, Aksel assumes Jazz is in fact- bothered, "Jaaz."

"That's so petty," he groans softly in response, "Just leave him there, he'll grow tired eventually."

But to resolve Jazz' issues, Aksel would simply do anything.

"Give me your phone."

Aksel stretches enough and he takes it, it's still buzzing and ringing, his eyes become bluebell slits, he wraps his arm around Jazz's waist and brings his warm body even closer, somehow, he heavily dislikes the idea of someone pursuing Jazz so insistently. But he won't meander in that thought just yet, for now, things paint themselves to be funny, that son of a bitch Zedd will wish he was never born.

.

" _Jazz? Why do you take so long-"_

"Jazz is not available on my line~"

" _Let me speak with Jazz. He recently moved from where he used to live."_ Aksel growls, internally, so that was the reason Zedd was being so pestering, he was trying hard to block Jazz from starting all over again.

Aksel smirks evilly, "I can't this is my line, told you~"

" _Why is a dude answering anyways?"_

He chuckles, sharply, "This is my phone, dullard, don't pretend you didn't hear."

" _I'll find a way to speak with him,"_ Zedd barks _"you are just elongating the nuisance."_

"hm, Wherever and whenever you call, I will answer, you'll see. If you are searching for Jaaz then you'll be forwarded to your humble server."

" _Fuck you."_

"Uh-uh," he childishly scolds, humorously shadowy "Don't speak to me like that, you'll wake up dead."

Zedd hangs up.

.

" _I want to speak with Jazz."_

"Then stop calling my line, duh."

" _What?"_

"Fourth day in a row that I answer, how much time do you need to understand this is my phone number?"

" _He is mine."_

He scoffs, "You want to bet?"

Zedd hangs up.

.

" _Listen motherfucker-"_

"Words imbecile." He interrupts, reprimanding "Don't test your luck."

" _Where is Jazz?"_

"He is with me, but you are calling my phone number," He laughs, charmed, "Again."

Zedd hangs up.

.

"Zeeddd~" the Accent is strong, -'who is this guy?' "Two weeks, still calling like _stop calling_ already, or I'll kill you." He sounds deceitfully mirthful.

" _Get lost. I know Jazz is listening, listen Jazz I'll find you, stop cowering-"_

"Ah," he neighs, pleased, "I wished he was here. But he is out there, now stop calling me, I have things to do."

" _Fuck! I am not calling you! I am cal-"_

"Words imbecile."

Zedd hangs up.

.

" _Are you his boyfriend or something?"_

"Yuck no," he laughs, Zedd is somehow relieved "My turn to ask!" Aksel chirps in, "Why the hell have you been calling me every day for the last three weeks? again?"

Zedd sighs, almost defeated, _"I'm calling to speak with Jazz. He moved from where he used to live and I haven't seen him since then."_

"This is my phone number, why can't you get it through your thick skull? You deadass don't get it?"

" _I know this is Jazz' phone number-"_

"Alright, let's do something, tell me what you want to say, I'll think if I can forward it to him."

" _I can't, I have to speak with him in person."_

"To say what?"

" _Why do you even care?"_

Aksel laughs and laughs some more and he doesn't stop laughing until Zedd hangs up.

.

Hands in his pockets, the night is shadowy and the moonbeam is opaque and foggy against his skin. His lungs are being obstructed by the clotting mist, Aksel is fuming, he is seeing red. His hand tightens on the gun's metallic barrel, his eyes are immersed in the limitless rage he feels bubbling beneath his skin; nighttime is cold but he feels he is being scalded alive.

It is the power of wrath. The power of annihilation. The thirst for revenge.

Jazz just told him the truth. Simply that. The truth about Zedd, the truth about the past, he opened to him and explained what role Zedd was playing in his life, a role Jazz admitted he never expected to be obligated to endure. And when the twisted and perverted nature of Zedd's intentions hit Aksel, he couldn't help but fume in astringent _fury_. Without Jazz knowing, Aksel took the decision that Zedd wouldn't see the light of sun.

Not ever, not again.

The lack of context used to make him wonder about their relationship. But now it all makes sense and he has stopped believing that Jazz was somehow protecting Zedd from anything, Jazz was and is actually protecting himself and it is just so Jazz-like to do so, because he never had anyone to prove him wrong, Jazz had always felt alone. It angers Aksel that he didn't notice it before. Aksel just can't believe Zedd actually targeted someone like Jazz.

A person that despite his defensive, aggressive mechanism, is rather fragile, with a good heart. A young person barely on his 19's, he knows Zedd is 24. Jazz is remarkably thinner and tinier-framed than Zedd's big and bulky casing.

Zedd knows Jazz is alone, Zedd knows that nobody will react for him- and he acts upon this thought. It angers Aksel that Zedd genuinely did all of what he did because a person with the vulnerable profile of Jazz would not do anything too radical to defend himself.

Aksel is aware Jazz may attempt to sound dangerous, what else a lonely, fragile-framed person would do against a big, imposing threat such as Zedd? A threat that he knows he can't fight against. Lash and bark, that's all Jazz does and it rages Aksel, because Jazz isn't alone, he wasn't supposed to ever feel that way, he totally forgot he had _him_ , a skilled Norwegian coldblooded psychopath by his side.

And now Aksel knows that Jazz tried for so long, he reacted and still reacts verballyand physically violent to what lengths he can, to scarcely protect himself. Aksel thinks that nobody should be pushed under that kind of abuse, less someone he cares for deeply. Zedd even sexually assaulted him and Zedd knows- rather- he fucking _thinks_ there are no consequences, _yet-_ Aksel promises- _there are not yet consequences son of a bitch, you'll rot in my hell motherfucker._

And Aksel can't believe causality has treated Jazz so poorly. Because there is a reason Jazz is forceful and rough despite his soft skin, Aksel is aware that circumstances have shaped him to be violent and self-defensive but he sees through all that and he knows he is kinder than he admits, he is the only person who had shown him genuine loyalty.

Aksel knows Jazz has pretty hands and he has someway noticed he is slightly shy, he smells sweet and is a nerd why, he wonders angrily, why would someone torment him the way Zedd does and the difference between those crying victims he has seen on the TV when they are constantly stalked or those who are raped and Jazz is none, it all goes down to Jazz' coarse attitude and so Aksel wonders what he really feels, he can't quiet pinpoint what consequences will there be later on for him, a person that's too special for Aksel.

And Aksel won't allow it.

And so he goes and discharges his ire.

There is something called vengeance, something he wants to hand at Jazz, for once, he wants Jazz to see someone _will_ respond for his sorrow, that someone did. He wants to show him that he doesn't have to be that strong all the time and so he drives to Zedd's house and makes it happen, all to make Jazz happy.

.

"Did you hear about that?"

"About Zedd?"

Issei nods at Shippo, "I heard that he was riddled- no, pelted to a bloodied mush," He winces, "There were shots all over his limbs," Issei moves his head, noticeably disturbed, "Dude! there was a shot in his dick."

"Say what?" asks Shippo, surprised. That level of violence was not usual in the exurbia he has inhabited since day one.

"And the autopsy this morning confirmed it wasn't the shot that killed him."

Shippo cringes, concerned, "he was- _tortured_?"

"Seems so, my mom read about it in the newspaper today and damn, details were gruesome."

Shippo flinches, "He was definitely onto something shady," he concludes, uneasy, "Nobody kills you like that without a reason."

"Nope." Aksel agrees, his façade is impassable "Nobody kills you _like that_ without a reason."

' _Jazz, I would do anything for you._

 _Absolutely anything.'_

 _._

Jazz doesn't explain what he feels now, he doesn't explain what has gone through his mind before, he just lets his forehead rest against Aksel's chest and even after Aksel promises him that he didn't have anything to do with Zedd's death, Jazz still hugs him because he is obviously lying, Jazz knows what he did, and he knows he did it for him.

Aksel's lip stretches in a candid smile, Jazz huddles in closely, calmly and affectionately. Aksel rejoices as he identifies a heartfelt sigh, fragile, sincere and coated in untainted alleviation, "Thank you so much Aksel."

The nightmare is over. Jazz can breathe, sincerely now.

Aksel doesn't respond, he remains quiet, he knows he should deny his involvement but there is something rewarding about having being 'good' for once, with someone he loves, with someone he cares for. Aksel's arms tighten around the body that feels too tired to even pretend he isn't, and he knows Jazz' weight is finally off his shoulders, for once and for all. Zedd is dead and he cannot attempt to hurt him anymore. Aksel closes his eyes and breathes in his friend's enticing scent, this is not the first time he admits that he likes Jazz.

But far from stellular thoughts that both have yet to admit to each other, Jazz feels fine and Aksel is too glad that for once, Jazz feels a certain way, zealously protected.

O

O

O

 **AN/** By disliking 'him' I meant I dislike Zedd, I hope I explained that there are no good feelings for him (from Jazz) and more importantly what Aksel thought is far more accurate than all the twisted and tangled thoughts you could see from Zedd's POV, even if I wrote in third person, I guess you could read what was on their minds.

You may think I could have make Zedd's apparition a little bit shorter to see more of Aksel/Jazz, but it is important that you know the hell Jazz was going through regardless his attitude against it and how much it means what Aksel did for him, he basically saved him without knowing too much. We are touching Aksel and Jazz' personal issues and all this bring them closer as friends, I think this is the last chapter dedicated to character development to finally get to romance because it was edging here already.

Aksel is a hero lol the antihero hero.

Hold on, we are getting close, I mean their romance didn't develop as quick as I would love to lol but we are getting just there, once again I think the Zedd issue added so much to their friendship and Jazz' eventual trust, you can guess why is him so distrustful towards the world asides from his family. So yeah I just couldn't write two paragraphs about it. Just to clear, there are NO behind feelings from Jazz, means all he felt for Zedd was dislike and obviously all the obscure shit one would feel if one was sexually assaulted, so it would be FUCKED UP from me to imply Jazz reciprocated Zedd's feelings. So Please, if he behaved as bitter with him is because he wanted him simply AWAY and also, Jazz sees no solution in killing (not by him) so it wasn't an option, but he was getting there lol

I feel as if this was just as necessary as Aksel's memory of his sister, it adds so much to his character.

PLUS for next chapter, I have already written some romantics scenes between Aksel and Jazz so next chapter will come off quicker :D Also Ranma x Youki fic is on the work, TT w TT total fluff because I was checking that I had the idea of Kintsugi since August. It was my main work and now that is done, LOVE is my main work, next is RXY fluff fic because why the hell not.

Back to LOVE I think in fact chapter 5 is already on some slash boy/boy goodness :D So hang in there. I dont expect anyone else to read this, asides from you. Don't betray me lol

Till next time

Batya000


	5. Chapter 5

**AN/** Last chapter for the LOVE series. Last time I updated this fic was Nov 20, 2017. Lol I really outdid myself with how lazy I am. I hope you enjoy this last chapter. Warning: Grammar mistakes, typos, spelling mistakes, tense confusions, my apologies. I hope you anyways enjoy this last chapter.

.

Enjoy.

 **OOOO**

 **.**

 **Lovelessness**

 **Third Person's POV**

When he used to live with Lena and Hiroyo, he knew that at the time of his arrival, Lena was more likely to make Hiroyo cook something for dinner and after both were done, the living room would be isolated as well as the kitchen. Sometimes he was lucky enough to find food, sometimes he wasn't. And when he wasn't, he'd slip back his black boots and go to the nearest convenient store. Nothing was likely to stop him, not the late hour, nor would a rainstorm do. Today it reminded him of those days where he had to do something not to starve.

He lived by his own now and if he came back too late he knew his will to cook was more likely to be reduced to grime. Another thing that now mentally berated him was his lack of attention to buy the correct groceries to be prepared. Hence now he knew his kitchen was packed with frozen meats that were only useful when he had time to actually cook. Today was not one of those days; he had no time and no will, he needed something of quick preparation and since he didn't have it, he knew he had to stroll down the city in search for something.

 _Damn like the good ol' days…._

It was close to 3:00am, finals were on his neck and he had to study if he wanted to keep his grades on the highest end in which gradients developed. With all honesty, he just wanted to sleep and forget he was hungry, but he knew he just couldn't let that happen, if he did, then he would wake up with a well-earned headache and he happened to need his brain in working condition to achieve the grades he wanted. He yawned, which restaurant could sell him some warm food at that hour? Only dinning motels downtown.

 _Too far- Pass._

Convenient stores? Closed. _Jeez._

He was in Japan, he reminded himself that there were always cheaper and easier ways to get food if you lived in Japan and so it occurred to him that the glorious alternative of going to a vending machine always existed.

A vending machine was always next to everything, he didn't even have to walk much to find one, it wasn't exactly warm food but he could pretty much microwave it back home. Unlike frozen food and pre-cooked packages, this was an all-too-ready food for the go and you could either microwave it or eat it like that- though the second wasn't going to happen. _Yuck._

He walked in close to see what his stomach could have whim for. Noodles, soups, fish, pork, salads, rice, eggrolls, whatever that was packaged for easy consumption was a go for him.

He sighed, and placed a hand on the white metals that supported the gigantic vending machine, his eyes scanned for the neatly packaged options behind the glass. "What do I fucking want." He mumbled to himself and decided to press for '11' –Fried Pork with veggies and rice- Last time he bought he recalled it being tasty. As the coins slipped in, Jazz realized almost distantly how freely he could meander at night, without having threats that made him trot through streets as if someone followed him- because someone was actually stalking him.

But not anymore.

Jazz realized it was all thanks to Aksel, all because somehow Aksel thought that nobody should hurt him from now on.

And that thought made him infinitely happy.

.

" _Jaaz, what are a lovely nightly surprise."_

"Drop it, can we see each other?"

Aksel seemed to smile behind the phone, _"Of course! Do I go for you?"_

"Nah," Jazz mumbled as he walked with his packaged food in a white plastic bag, "I'm near your house actually… I'm about 5 minutes away."

" _I see,"_ ruffling sounds were heard on Aksel's side and Jazz realized Aksel was probably climbing out of the bed. _"I'll be waiting for you then."_

"Uhm," Jazz' cheeks tainted, he cursed at himself for not having checked the ungodly hour he decided to wake his friend up, -3:08am "I'm sorry for waking you up. The hour must tell you I'm fucking nuts."

" _Ah, it's nothing,"_ Aksel shrugged, _"you know I can't sleep anyways."_

Jazz chuckled, "I thought you were cured?"

" _For a couple of days,"_ Aksel protested, _"I think this apnea is more likely chronic. Nevermind it, I think I can't sleep because of the world's constant cries of help."_

"What."

" _The perks of being a God."_

"That's stupid," Jazz clicked his tongue, "I think you are just excusing your horrible habits, first of all, stop eating the gross amount of sugar you consume right before bed- You know- _that_ might actually keep you from sleeping." Though rational, Aksel snickered incredulously in response.

" _Sugar?"_ Jazz could hear a door closing on Aksel's side _"You offend me, I can clog in five pounds of chocolate without repercussions, it can be ten if you will."_

Jazz rolled up his eyes as he continued his silent stroll, he heard his best friend speak again, _"Besides, I've been enduring a whole existence with this lack of sleep Jaaz, I'm more than accommodated with this so-called privilege. The universe's prays and mantras are the ones keeping me awake,"_ Aksel suddenly sounded eerily dark and sinister _"-perhaps I'm a little bit vexed because I'm a merciless god that doesn't give two shits about their misery-"_ Then his tone cheered up again, for Jazz, it was nothing too strange when it came to Aksel, _"But asides from that I'm perfectly fine with my flawed humanity at my feet. I just love them."_

"If you hear voices Aksel I'm pretty sure you might suffer from schizophrenia."

" _Jaaz~"_

"Go to the doctor."

The ruffling kept underneath Jazz' feet as he walked over some dry folio, outside their phone-call, Jazz heard how incredibly polite did Aksel sound when he spoke to his employees. He smiled, however and whatever Aksel said and how he self-defined, for Jazz, he would never be as vile, _"Are you anywhere near Jaaz?"_

"Uhm," Jazz stopped walking after a long sigh, "Actually I'm here and these big-ass doors are getting opened for me, hell, I feel like a fucking prince."

Jazz heard an impish leer from the other side, _"If I make you mine then you might as well become my prince."_ Jazz blushed and hung up.

The shamelessness, how -daring. Jazz thought, Aksel had no idea how his jokes sometimes affected him, this was not the first time a simple mock produced such a horrendous outcome on him; the ardent fever that burned his cheeks was too embarrassing to deal with and much worse, how could he ignore the ugly butterflies that flapped their wings all around his stomach. Jazz wondered if they were actually wasps. He really wanted to vomit.

.

After the first time Aksel wrapped his arms around him, he realized he shouldn't have lived his entire life without ever wanting to get anyone even slightly close to him. Hugs were good and he just comprehended it, but more assertively, Aksel's hugs were good. Knowing himself, Jazz really doubted he would feel that way with any random stranger that would want to enclose him in their arms.

 _Fucking yuck._

If they weren't Aksel, then they were banned from getting close, at least 6ft away from him.

Thankfully, the first time they hugged, Aksel was the one who asked him to get closer, otherwise Jazz would have died within himself trying. Aksel was wounded that one time, he had bandages all over his body and Jazz remembered how his heart was clogged in his trachea when he first saw him. It was right after Aksel's infamous kidnapping, right after knowing that he was hurt but alive.

Since he wasn't used to showing affection or relief through hugs, when he realized that Aksel was fine, he realized he just didn't know what he wanted from him, but he felt certain that he wanted to do something to show he was happy, but more accurately, to express that he was happy that Aksel was alive.

And when he went in close, he did what he knew he could flawlessly do; grunt, vent and yell, _'you worried me a fucking lot you piece of shithead'_ those were the words that managed to fall from his mouthandnow that he thought about it, thankfully, at that time, Aksel just nodded and said the words that changed his perspective over their relationship forever.

Jazz realized, someone could be the first in something in his life, and it could be painless.

It could be pure.

" _Come near, give me a hug."_

He mechanically nodded and without knowing that it was what he actually wanted but couldn't decipher, he moved in closer and finally embraced him. That 'thing' that he wanted to do to express relief and affection, was nothing more than a hug.

A hug that was received with the same amount of affection and the wake-up call downed on Jazz, 'feelings could emerge and be reciprocated'- That was the first time he ever thought of Aksel in a different way. The first time he actually accepted he probably wanted something more of him and that it was something else than the sexual attraction he admittedly bestowed for him.

Even if it only lasted a couple of seconds and the echelon of egos landed him where he began, Jazz realized that at least he gained something from underneath a dusty rug that was named the 'antagonistic circus of denial'; he could hug and be hugged. Now that he was being held in Aksel's arms he thought how it hasn't stopped from happening and how much they have improved from the first awkward but affectionate hug they shared.

"Let go of me," Jazz grumbled as his frame was ruthlessly squeezed between two strong arms that held him paralyzed close to an equally strong and built body, "Aksel f-fuck!"

Having heard Jazz' arrival just after he hung up on him, Aksel ran down the stairs and welcomed his fragile friend with a bone-crushing embrace. Even after hearing Jazz' protests, Aksel still managed to drag him all the way up to his bedroom. Only then did his arms loosened enough to allow the other one to breathe.

"Aksel for fuck's sake ugh-"

Aksel finally complied and his arms slackened to let him go. Jazz coughed and then chuckled "Damn bigot, try hard but you won't make me sound like Issei."

Aksel snorted in amusement, "Aw, I was hoping."

"Impossible," Jazz coughed again and straightened his posture "I moan like a sexy-ass whore. That motherfucking ape might try hard though, but he will forever sound and exist like a shitskin baboon in heat."

Aksel poked carefully at the other's ribs, "Jaaz, that's derogatory racist."

"Yeah," Jazz agreed with a smirk, "whatever, it's not like I'm wrong." In all fairness, Jazz realized he did not mind to be politically correct all the time, especially with Aksel, not in the least. Not even after acknowledging Aksel's personal advocacies against skin-tone racial slurs and though both shared their antagonistic desire to poke fun at Issei, Aksel alleged there were better and more suitable forms to make him feel less.

Getting distracted easily, Aksel's eyes suddenly adverted to the white bag that Jazz brought alongside him, "What's that Jaaz." He pointed childishly at it.

"Ah," Jazz raised the bag for his own inspection, he suddenly remembered, "When you buy food from a vending machine, after it gives you the packaged food, it also gives you a white bag for when you finish, you put it inside and then throw it in a trashcan," He smiled, "All clean and steady."

"Means that what you have there is packaged food."

"Yeah, packaged food."

…

…

…

Aksel grabbed it and with a swift snatch, he was able to retrieve it from Jazz' hands, the other suddenly reacted and keenly tried to recover it, "What the fuck Aksel!" he growled as he jumped on his tip toes to try to take it back, "Give it back I'm hungry as fuck!"

"Not to copy-cat my cousin but…" He said carelessly as he threw the bag out of the tall window, Jazz stopped immediately and stared at the window dumbstruck, "You are not eating that garbage in my house Jaaz."

"It coasted me ¥200 (Approximately $1.83) Aksel what in the fucking fuck."

"Jaaz, that's the cheapest food- oh no, did they sell you garbage?"

Jazz snarled angrily, "No dumbass, it's actually fair for a college student, once again, why did you do that!" He ran to the window, from the privileged tall distance from the window in Aksel's principal room, Jazz could barely see the white bag with some food scattered around it. Barely, _barely_ devisable, but he could assert the food was ruined, he sighed despondently, "Nice, now I'm not eating for shit."

"How silly," Aksel cheered behind him, his arms suddenly hugged Jazz' fine waist in a confiscating embrace where, though much taller, Aksel had the chance to put his chin on Jazz' shoulder from behind, he was leaning in, but he was comfortable enough to brush his lips against Jazz' ear, "You are going to eat whatever you want here."

He wondered if behind Aksel's words existed a rouge innuendo. Jazz' cheeks were already playing him again. He didn't even try to push the other away and just closed his eyes, , "Fine, but I'm eating exactly what I previously bought, fried pork with veggies and rice, no more and no less… Also apple juice."

"Okay," Aksel hummed, "at least it will be freshly cooked."

Jazz frowned but his pout couldn't hide the carefreeness, "….Thanks idiot."

"My pleasure…" Aksel's arms tightened slightly on his waist, instantaneous goosebumps ran underneath Jazz' flesh as Aksel whispered closely on his ear, almost like an intimate request, one that was dearly expressed, only for him to hear "can I hold you like this for a little longer?"

It felt warm and Jazz realized he could have been there forever "Yeah..."

Yes, Aksel's hugs became an addiction of his, but at least he was now sure he wasn't the only one truly fixated with the feeling.

.

Aksel grinned and Jazz realized that the 'shithead' didn't actually understand how fast his heart was beating, all because he was smiling as he spoke. And even under the moonlight, he looked compellingly handsome. Jazz looked outside the car's window, after insistently suggesting he could give him a ride back, Jazz finally agreed and thanked his friend for all the help.

"It's nothing Jaaz~"

The faded sound of rain drizzle was relaxing enough to have his eyes closing against his will, it was the finest hours of the early morning, close to 5 O'clock but the sun was still nowhere to be seen. They were both backseat passengers in Aksel's car, Jazz noted sleepily that there was no traffic and that it was the third time that Aksel's fingers slipped through his.

"Jaaz."

"What." He responded calmly, his eyes diverted to their intertwined fingers and he recognized a swift caress to his thumb.

"You have the most beautiful hands that I have ever seen."

Jazz' tongue suddenly tied in itself "No lie."

"Definitely," Aksel smiled again and elevated their hands up for both to see, "They are just so pretty." To Jazz they didn't seem nothing too special, but the way his fingers contrasted Aksel's much stronger ones stirred something within him. Shamelessly he corresponded the grasp and slowly their hands rested down between their bodies for a flawless hold.

"Shut up."

The motorist slowly stopped in front of Jazz' apartment complex, the man politely and very serviceably informed Aksel "We are here sir," Aksel nodded and turned to Jazz, who in response apprehended that he would like to say farewell with something close to a kiss, very warm and soft, just as how their holding hands felt. Of course- every so silently. Jazz wondered if that would ever come close to a reality, how dared this man, make him feel of all people, like he was not good enough.

But why? Why did he allow such thoughts emerge for someone that wasn't anything else than a good friend. He didn't want to wonder why. Not at all. At least not right now.

"I'll see you later."

A kiss wouldn't happen and now his myriad pride told him that he never even wanted one. Jazz opened the car's door and leapt outside, he turned to wave at his friend, "Alright, see you later Jaaz"

Jazz nodded and walked towards the towering gates of the building, just then did he hear the engines starting off, he surely questioned to himself why was Aksel so overprotective of him. He could only hopelessly wish it was the same reason as of why he started to think he didn't know himself at all.

If he was certain to himself, he didn't know what else to do than to drown in what he thought was implausible. A little help would be welcome, Jazz huffed as he made himself to his apartment, he just needed to find someone who could say a truth or two. But tomorrow. He yawned tiredly, it would have to wait for tomorrow.

.

Jazz sighed, they were upstairs in Kai's room, Jazz noticed how it smelled of oil and sugar, an odd combination but not as unpleasant as he would have thought. Kai was pretty much occupied with every other day's college assignment and the tasks at hand pretty much explained the remnant scent of oil in the air. Everything had to do with mechanics and circuit technicalities and eyeing the half-finished pie across the table also contributed to understand the origin of such an odd musk.

He was supposed to be helping Kai, as foretold over the phone, but Jazz had more selfish plans in mind. All because it was suffocating to admit that for certain matters, even him, Nakura Jazz failed to come up with a viable solution.

"You can help with these," Kai passed two trifled boxes to him, his magnifying glass was across them and was soon taken hold of as he noticed his friend's odd behavior, "Or don't," he hummed, "What's wrong?"

Aware of the obvious distress he showcased to Kai, Jazz tried to conceal the turmoil he expected no to jeopardize by externalizing it "I'm sorry it's just…" he grabbed the hem of one of the mechanical packets Kai previously offered, "some shit is going on…" he admitted, "I may not know how to deal with it."

"Really?" Kai smiled boyishly, still trying to find a solution for his assignment "That certainly sounds odd coming from you."

"I guess," Jazz chuckled reluctantly, "It sucks."

"It sure does, what is it that it has you so out of character?"

"Don't fuck around," he hesitated, "It's just that I feel powerless and I hate to feel like that man. You know me… sort of."

"I would say so," Kai dipped his head to inspect his project better, "Is it that bad?"

"Too bad actually."

"Oi," Kai turned his face at him, "It'll be fine… Whatever that's bothering you." Jazz could only respond with a silent outbreath, Kai was certainly awkward with these matters and so was Jazz sharing them. But they could manage, Jazz alleged.

After a minute of silence and the only sound being of cables and towlines being cut, Kai finally decided to ask "Will you tell me what even happened?"

"I…" Jazz hesitated, "It's nothing… it's actually very silly."

"It's about Aksel." Not that is was an incorrect guess. How painfully predictable he seemed to his friend was what bothered Jazz in the first place. He adverted his gaze in between his occupied hands. He thought Kai was unaware about anything besides food.

"I'm afraid so…"

"What is it," He said as he kept trying to connect some hawsers underneath a paneled circuit, "I thought you two were good friends."

"Yes we are, I mean…" Jazz shook his head, "We haven't fought… it's not that."

"Hmm," Kai's efforts to fix the box deterred useless, but he was patient, his attention was partially still on Jazz "I wouldn't be surprised though… you two quarrel like you are married."

"Nah that's some hell of a reach." The implication of marriage made Jazz childishly wince. He was doubting if it would be a smart move to tell Kai about it. Is wasn't like Kai's instincts constantly failed, it was that he could be too assertive for Jazz' likeness, especially since Jazz was almost certain that Kai's response- if positive- would consist mostly in how platonic and miserably one-sided his feeling would remain.

"Yeah you do," Kai nodded as he averred, "But then again, if you say you haven't fought then what is wrong with Aksel?"

"Not that it's wrong… I just don't know."

Kai just nodded and kept his eyes fixated on a small yellow cable he didn't even see before, he pondered if it was part of his assignment to comment on the discovery. Especially in his career, circuits could be tricky and finding where the trick was could very well earn him some points for his finals.

"But… yeah I figured that maybe I need to speak about it?"

Kai accommodated a bronze resistor using a couple of pliers before turning to look at his friend, "Look at my ears, aren't I Mickey Mouse?"

"Not in a million years, Mickey is cute as fuck."

Kai snickered, "I thought you would say my ears weren't as big."

"Kai, if they weren't big they would be disproportionate to your size."

"Hashtag fat."

Jazz rolled up his eyes but smiled nonetheless, "Can I tell you or…"

Kai nodded, his hands were still busy but he gave Jazz the impression that he was listening, and even if he didn't and his attention was solely absorbed by his assignment, Jazz didn't mind to be half-heard, at least he could pretend it didn't hurt as he spoke.

"I like Aksel."

…

…

…

"I like him too."

"No dumbass, I mean…" he sighed, "I _really_ like him…"

Kai stopped dumbfounded, "I really like him too Jazz where are you going with all this?"

"Bitchass I mean," Jazz frowned, "I mean that I would like him to fuck me."

…

…

…

"Ooh," Kai shrilled slowly but merrily as he understood, "I see." He pointed, " _That_ kind of liking."

"Yeah," Jazz said simply and after a minute, he realized with much surprise that Kai didn't seem bewildered, nor disgusted or even less filled with indignation; Jazz searched for any trace of aversion on his facial expressions only to receive the same foreseeable lightheartedness that defined Kai so easily.

"And…that's" Jazz added awkwardly, "…that I guess…"

Kai dished his head in concentration, "Maybe you are confused? Probably you've never had a friend like him before."

Jazz was also stunned that Kai took it as a mere weather conversation. Maybe he suspected before? Jazz shook his head, _-Nah- impossible_. Jazz guessed this whole silent acceptance came from having to accept Jazz' open bisexuality in the first place.

"I've had friends before, I know what _liking_ someone in that way means," Jazz explained, his tone weary and somehow irritated by his own voice, "it's not that a certain closeness to someone will have me head over heels, it's just-"

"Are you head over heels already?" Kai's shoulders were relaxed, his tone unimpressed, his eyes were engrossed on his college assignment and Jazz had to admit that Kai's overall unpreoccupied pose egged him positively enough to carelessly keep his thoughts rolling off of his mouth.

"Wh-what? No." he denied, "It's just that I know I'm not confused."

Kai shrugged, "If that's so. What's the big deal?"

"That it is…" he accentuated, _"impossible..._ We are talking about Aksel dude. _"_

Kai detained his hands from twisting a transistor and turned his face to look at Jazz once again "You think you are ugly now?"

Jazz tensed after a chuckle, "Of course not, I don't say it in a teenage-desperate-for-attention tone." Jazz continued with a frown, "I will remind you that you are speaking with an adult male that knows his fucking worth. So that's not where I'm going."

"Let me hear it?"

Out of tenseness, Jazz grabbed one of Kai's tweezers as he tried to explain, "I mean that I know him, he is fearless and beckoning when he likes someone. I know for a fact that he is not attracted to me in the slightest… Also, what if he gets upset with me? Foremost and more importantly, he is fucking passionate about his crush on Youki."

"You think?"

"Youki looks like a fucking snack and though I'm not doubting I'm hot as fuck. My actual chances with him are cero to 'fuck off'. There is no in between."

"I'm not convinced."

"Convinced of what?"

"Well if he likes Youki then why wouldn't he like you? Your fears lack fundaments, first why would he be angry he attracts men? It's not like he is straight. Second, he knows you already and if he were to like you, he won't simply jump at your pants, you are his friend. Also, if you are worried about Youki then come on, give it a thought."

"A thought for what?"

"The dude says he is pansexual, meaning that he likes people for who they are rather for what their gender say about them."

"Well dumbass I'm not concerned about how gay Aksel actually is."

"But you are concerned because we are talking about Youki. I mean that as soon as he remains true to his sexual orientation, everyone regardless their gender has a chance with him."

Jazz groaned, "Are you even listening? I did say he has a crush on Youki. Youki is a dude. Yeah, the dude looks like a woman, so what. He is still a dude. Aksel's idea of Youki remains as a none-heteronormative couple. I'm not concerned about him ever corresponding to a guy."

"Ooh," Kai scratched the back of his head, "thought that you implied that the closest Aksel would be to a man is having developed a crush on Youki. Which in my opinion, is almost invalid to even determine as an interest on a man, unless you have sex with him and since Aksel has only gotten visual…."

"No, I mean-" As Kai's words downed, Jazz suddenly looked flabbergasted, "- _parenthesis_ Kai, Aksel did display sexual interest on Youki, which means his homoerotic interest is still very much valid for an homosexual categorization, even if he is not fully homosexual; mind me informing you with that brute…" Jazz smirked, "and before closing the parenthesis I will tell you that I've intuited that you are trying to befit your own esthetic likeness for a man like Youki only to still classify yourself purely in the heteronormative labelling, so fuck you. But fret not, thinking the dude is sexy doesn't place you nowhere scary, admitting to Ranma that you would date him without an issue is debatably a dispute to your self-proclaimed orientation-" Kai almost forgot how boringly bookish could Jazz be with his some of his thoughts.

Jazz unperturbedly continued, "Stately, you dislike Youki only for his dislike of you, so I'll keep my other thoughts in mind and don't worry Kai, I'm not saying anything a basic bisexual man would say to make everyone gay. I think you are not. But I do think you channel your interests in odd manners. Hence, Aksel is valid in homosexuality if he likes Youki, as well as Ranma and you… if you were to ever again admit that yeah, you would fall for him if he asked."

"When have I said that?" Kai was genuinely curious.

"Games, bottle-spins, trues or dares, 'who wouldn't fall for Youki if he wanted?' type of boastful sentences that come from Saotome Ranma. You are always mindlessly stating that yeah you would. It is to notice that Shippo is the only man that shakes his head and says 'Y'all gays, I'm hella not', 'I would not' or simply, 'I don't like men' which is also a pity because the man is fucking beautiful but guess that things are what they are. Needless to say Kai, I'm sure you'll think twice whether you truly voice what you actually think or not. I always wanted to speak about this with someone oblivious to their implications… just like you. So don't mind me, I am not being in the least hostile."

He added "Finish parenthesis."

Kai almost complained but decided not to. It wasn't as if any of what Jazz said bothered him. He could only shrug. Jazz continued, away from the parenthesis and back to their discussion, "He might be genuinely pansexual and open to other dudes. But think about it Kai, that's even more compelling."

Dropping the last bits of thoughts about Jazz' parenthesis, Kai decided to aid his friend's doubts "Why'd you say so?"

"He likes people regardless their gender, right? Now, think that he oversees that I'm a fucking man, but he does sees who I am and obviously there is no interest. That means I have cero chance, isn't it obvious? If Aksel liked me, he would have told me already."

"Well think that he probably doesn't know Youki yet, maybe he doesn't know he likes you, maybe he may start without liking you and ending up doing it." Kai smiled reassuringly. Jazz exhaled dejectedly and remained silent until Kai decided to speak again.

"Mind me adding, I think you have more intense eyes." His eyebrows wiggled teasingly and humorously, his tone lowered for a more credible tease.

Jazz laughed, "Than who? Youki's?"

"Mhm, and more importantly, I really ship you two together."

Jazz smirked and crossed his arms across his chest "D'aaw fucking thanks dude but you say so only because Youki hates you, otherwise you would be on his team you slab piece of pork."

"Slander!" Kai chortled, totally unbothered by Jazz' uncouth words, he knew he meant them in the most outgoing way he could manage "But on a more serious note, I don't think it's impossible… if I'm honest."

"Sure." Jazz groaned in sarcasm, "He is not a stranger to me, I kind of think how he thinks of me and don't get me wrong, it's _fine_ it's just… not the way I'd like."

"Pff, you just like to complain about everything, even as of why you exist, I don't think it's _that_ bad."

"Not as bad? Try a crush on him and see what I'm talking about."

Kai squinted his eyes, finally his thoughtfulness went back to his project, "We've told you we are somehow a couple."

"Piss off." Jazz growled, "I'm fucking serious."

Kai sighed, "Well if it's bothering you that much, then tell him."

"To be furtherly humiliated by his easily foreseeable menacing yet jesting words? Do you think I am _that_ stupid?"

"I don't think he will mock you. In the worst scenario possible, it won't be reciprocated but even then, you'd at least have that out of your chest."

Jazz' eyebrows creased in frustration, "Kai, if it was _that_ feasible, I would have spoken to him already. Aksel will definitely be either upset or amused. And both will make me commit murder on him."

Kai remained soundless as he finished connecting a couple of black diodes, "Come on Jazz, Aksel is not _that_ evil."

Jazz challenged him with an authoritative smirk, "Say that again… but slowly."

"Okay," Kai admitted, "Maybe he is evil but he is your friend, it's not like you'll be a second Issei."

"Holy crap," Jazz stopped "I never thought about becoming a second Issei, dude this will be the end of my never-ending villain roll, fuck." Jazz said genuinely preoccupied.

"That'd be Karma to bite you right in the ass. So you know how Issei felt with you."

"Jeez, shut up asshole, I'm really into believing that shit."

Kai snorted but decided it was not the best moment to worry his anxious friend, "Nah I'm joking, it'll be fine for you. Keep pestering innocents and you'll be fine. But back to Aksel; speak with him."

"I won't tell him, I'd rather die."

"To be honest," he offered, "I think he knows already."

"Why I'm not that painfully obvious, I mean yes my mouth waters when he is shirtless but I definitely made sure to hide these kind of shits to myself."

"That's gay, secondly, just tell him. I told you it's not that barbarically impossible to be corresponded. If you don't tell him then its fine too, maybe he knows already and he doesn't mind it as soon as you don't bother him."

"As soon as I don't bother him," Jazz repeated, his tone accentuated where his worrisome might have relied on, "if he knows then I don't even know what can get me in trouble, what if he sees me melting for him and he gets upset."

"Nah, maybe I'm wrong. Aksel may be a lot of things, but he is very humble when it comes to his physical appeal."

"Humble my ass."

"I mean- relatively humble."

"Still too much." Jazz pointed.

"Okay," Kai gave up, "the guy doesn't… exploit his looks? Maybe he is unaware."

"Yeah you are right, Aksel is kind of dumb and maybe he hasn't noticed."

"I didn't say he was du-"

"I almost forgot he is the dumbest white man I've ever met, you are freaking right Kai."

Kai remained speechless and wondered if Jazz was being serious, then after hearing him lift his spirits, he decided to leave it like that.

"Then what did you decide?"

"To shut the fuck up. At least while I can."

Kai sighed, "Well then, I hope at least you feel better now."

Jazz nodded, "Say something and I'll send you right back to your swamp."

"Oi, I'm not an ogre I think."

"You _thought_ Kai, that's the keyword." Jazz leered, "Sometimes we are something we never expected to be." Jazz winked, "Sometimes it's not about expectation it's about the perception we have of ourselves. That's where we are wrong. Sometimes we are nothing close to what we thought we were. Or sometimes we are close to a change."

"Hmm," Kai nodded in agreement, "I hope that applies to your no-love policy as well."

Jazz instantly blushed, "Oh shut up."

.

L-word.

 _Eek._

Things revolved oddly inside him. Respecting his own mind constantly gave him something close to the most brutal honesty about his own psyche, he couldn't deny it was slightly comprising, mostly because it was always easier to lie.

But he couldn't. Nakura Jazz would not wait for someone else to notice it, not before he could wrap his head around a thought that was not as abstractly structured anymore.

It wasn't simply that he wanted Aksel.

And after his conversation with Kai, he had no other option but to admit that maybe he already knew that it was… something more. And that he had to tell Aksel the truth as well as to himself. As per what he could manage, he would be straightforward and tell him that he liked him, and he could omit some details. Especially because it wasn't merely that. It wasn't just a strong physical attraction.

And he was afraid that he knew it.

.

"It fucking sucks but I like you."

He stopped, the façade faltered for a flask second and regained, Aksel was back with a smirk, "For real?"

"Yeah…"

Aksel raised an eyebrow and shrugged, "Okay."

Silence gained territory and Jazz looked intently, he was hoping for a snarl, "Aren't you upset?"

"Why would I? As long as you respect me, I have no issues whatsoever."

"Oh, thought that… never mind" Jazz shook his head and seated beside him, "It's all good then right?"

"It is." Aksel sneered after a minute, they were both sitting in the carpeted floor from Aksel's bedroom. Everything was quiet beside the low volume from the airborne flat television. It wasn't strange to notice that Jazz smelled good "What surprises me is the amount of time you actually took to confess it."

"Fuck off, is not like you knew."

"I did."

"When I told you, I actually saw your face and you even stopped, you were about to stutter." Jazz smirked and sighed, "I'm pretty sure you weren't even sure about it yourself, if suspicious arose in the past days."

"It was all of a sudden, sure," he nodded, "but I was a little bit aware of that little something."

"What? Is not like I'm fangirling over you. It is what is it, this is Jazz telling you that he wants you, nothing else, nothing more."

"Wanting me? Means it's merely sexual."

Jazz became serious. "….if you say so."

"I mean," Aksel trailed off, "I want to know."

"What for? To feed your massive ego?"

Aksel winked, "I'm curious."

Jazz shook his head, he was partially upset, partially uncomfortable, "Go fodder your curiosity somewhere else, I have no need to tell you."

"Aw come on." Aksel inched closer.

"Better say, I have no intentions like, -in the least of specifying anything else. I told you so you know I'm shameless about it. But I'm not in anguish expecting to be understood and reciprocated."

And he was lying.

Aksel grinned, "I've never argued otherwise, I just want to know what type of attraction you-"

"What attraction means to you, whatever you define it like. I'll leave you with that."

"Come on Jazz, I'll kiss you if you tell me."

Jazz scoffed, his heart stopped beating two seconds ago "You do have modesty I'm impressed."

"I know you want it."

"Confessing a strained attraction doesn't make me desperate, have that in mind. I have more respect for myself than that."

Aksel poked at Jazz' cheek, he was jovially grinning, "I know that, I do respect you. I'm sim-"

"Using what I told you for your morbid gain? Drop it," Jazz frowned, "I'll not contribute to it, less if it's meant to disengage me from my own personal standards, and that is not poking at what I told you in that manner. It's disrespectful."

Aksel almost never minded just how angry Jazz sounded, and this was no different "I'll kiss you twice. Say," he wrapped an arm around Jazz shoulders, the later tensed, Aksel's nose touched the other's ear, causing instant goosebumps down Jazz' spine "you like me, you want me or say, you _love_ me?"

"Fuck off Aksel." His face flared up in bright red, he briefly wondered how was Aksel comfortable breathing right on his neck if he didn't like him back.

"Jaaz~"

"All three, now shut the fuck up and get the fuck away."

"Why I am not impressed Nakura Jazz." Taking the other for surprise, Aksel's hand went up and lifted Jazz' chin close to his, the silence and distance between their mouths was somehow close to a consent inquire. Jazz's cheeks fired with feverish crimson and he felt the other get just a little bit closer, their breaths mingled over the other's mouth in a silent plea that was noiselessly conceded as Jazz' eyes fluttered shut and his pretty lips parted open. It was all the demon needed to lean in to the final smoothness as their lips melded with softness over a silent sigh.

Ever so breathy and silent as Aksel' pushed his tongue inside his mouth, Jazz heaved a soft moan that left both wanting and having much more, it was addictively warm _"Moron."_

Jazz' back was subtly pressed down the carpet, the soft, wet kisses traveled downwards, behind his ear and right on the left side of his neck, his lips opened with a heaving breath and it earned his mouth to get red swollen by Aksel's lips that pressed once again against them. Panting as it got warmer and slicker inside their kiss, his hands fisted on Aksel's orange locks because it felt beautiful, delightful and real. For the first time in his life, Jazz felt thoughtless, fearless and the world loveless, finally disappeared.

.

.

.

 **AN/**

That's it! That's the final installment for LOVE. That means the story is finally complete. It was meant to be an introduction fic even after the final chapters became part of Jazz' process thoughts. Lol, I remember I started this with the intend to get myself to know them better since I was planning to write much more about them, since they were new, but I guess we know them very well now lmao

About the story and overall, I guess it was a journey of thoughts about lovelessness and love. I kind of enjoyed it. I don't think I need to add anything else because I don't mean to write an end to their story, it just goes on and on (because I don't know and I don't own them 100%) I actually used a lot of your idea about the time where Jazz liked Aksel. I will use the rest of your idea for a different fic but I thought your idea could lend a happy ending to a series that wasn't yet finished. Not thankfully it is.

I am currently working on another fic and I'm definitely happy to have this one finished. I would have wished to have more time for more plot but that will only mess with future fics and make them tiring lol

I hope you enjoyed.

Till next time.

 **Batya000**


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